As often happens in the community of recovering addicts, rumors, stories and gossip filters down to our ears. We, meaning recovering addicts and their wives, are especially sensitive, when we see the signs and symptoms of a man, woman, or couple who are trapped in addiction. It is obvious to us that have struggled, or have been in the throws of battling to save ourselves and our marriages, when we see others going through the same. Because of our experience, we have come to recognize the red flags of an addiction.
Why then do so many feel like they were blindsided with the discovery of a spouse in this addiction, when to us the signs are right in front of them. I assume it is because 1, They want to trust their spouse and assume the best and 2, They have never had to look for the signs and therefore they don't know what to look for.
Whether its pornography, impure thoughts, or a full blown affair, shouldn't there be a list of tell tell signs that one can look at as a warning?
With that in mind, as a recovering pornography and sex addict, I thought I would pen a list of what I think are the signs, symptoms, and red flags of an addiction to lustful behaviors. I intend to do this over several posts as I am sure I have more than enough to say on each subject.
Of course, I was deep in my addiction and displaying many of these behaviors, but my wife did not know what to look for or that she even needed to. Even when her suspicions were on high alert, and she saw the red flags, she personally chose to ignore them because accepting them would be too painful to admit. Sometimes we just know … and still choose to ignore. I pray that as you read through this blog, you will consider these points a guide, not definitive by any means, to understanding your behaviors, or the behaviors of those you love.
Also, I want to be clear. I am not trying to write a fearful blog that puts every wife on alert. There is a chance that some of the things I write about here are just personality traits in a person. These are my thoughts based on my personal experience and do not reflect every situation. Ok Disclaimer done.. Let's get to it.
MASTURBATION
(Yep all capitals…Bold, and underlined…. kinda scary in your face like that isnt it? Good. It Should be, because this is a major flag!)
I heard a rumor drift through my small community of recovering families about another family that we all know (I know... Gossip.) Here is the rumor.
3 sisters were walking together, one attends our group the other 2 do not. The one who attends the support group for wives, is very vocal about her family’s trial. She is bold and inviting and willing to help others when she sees the signs. During their walk it was revealed that the 2nd woman had moved out because her husband had been caught in an affair. The first woman, boldly asked her, “Have there ever been signs of pornography use?” The 2nd woman answered, “Well early in the marriage there was, but I haven't seen it since.” The first woman asks, “What about masturbation?” (I know bold right?) The 2nd woman answered “Well yeah he does masturbate all the time. He has done that our whole marriage. Isn't that normal?” The first woman told her that, “No, it is not normal in a healthy sexual relationship built on the foundation of the gospel, for the husband to sneak away and masturbate. It could be a sign of other lustful habits like pornography addiction.” The 3rd woman walking with them then said “Wait, masturbation is a sign of a possible pornography problem? My husband masturbates all the time. I wonder if he struggles with Pornography?”
This is all coming to me through heavy lines of hearsay and gossip so I am not going to put 100% faith in the accuracy of the story. However, After hearing this rumor…. I thought… ‘Why don't we, as members of the church, recognise that masturbation is a red flag?’
I am not going to get too deep into a husband and wife's personal intimate encounters. When you are together and experiencing intimate acts one on one, I imagine that pleasuring each other in a masturbatory way may be part if your routine. That is personal, together time. You are experiencing it TOGETHER. Far be it from me to dictate or instruct how you enjoy each other intimately. What I do want to talk about is ALONE time.
Masturbation or Self Pleasure, in its very title is something that is done by oneself to oneself. And of course the word ‘Self’ is obviously the root of the word Selfish. Simply said, ‘Self-pleasure’ is ‘Self-ish’. It is a personal act designed to elicit an orgasm without the assistance of one's spouse. Therefore it is selfish (This is not my definition, but I really like it).
President Spencer W. Kimball stated that, “Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord nor of His Church regardless of what may have been said by others whose ‘norms’ are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice”.
President Kimball said that in 1965. Until I went searching for a statement from church leaders, I didn't know this statement even existed. Why? Well maybe you have heard the line, ‘If you want to keep something hidden in the church, put it in a manual’. Which seems to be the case here. So many of our youth and us as adults, just have no idea what the church's stance is on masturbation. It could be part of the hush hush culture we are part of…. But I digress.
The above statement was found in a parenting guide (link is here ) put out by the church. In addition to President Kimball's statement it adds this, “The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal.”
The interesting thing to me is that these statements come from a chapter titled “Teaching Adolescents: from Twelve to Eighteen Years”. Yet many of us as adult men and women are still deeply entrenched in the addiction to masturbation. (This is actually a superb read and guide for parents with children and is surprisingly candid about the differences between men and women and sexuality. Here is the link again.)
I believe that most young men as they enter puberty, and possibly young women as well, experiment with masturbation. Hopefully we have raised them with the law of chastity and they choose to stop or talk to parents or a bishop or put up protections. I, quite honestly, did not. Masturbation became my escape. I make no excuses for my actions at that age as I knew better and I had agency. But in short, broken home, middle child, bad student, and all the rest that goes with being an awkward teen. Masturbation brought me warmth and comfort and of course, pleasure. Even before pornography was a problem for me, masturbation was part of my life.
Masturbation and the brain
The biggest problem with masturbation is that it taps into our brains built in reward system. It ratchets up the excitement level, it quickens our pulse, and ultimately it simulates the orgasm intended for true sexual activity. Only, it is not true sexual activity. It is simulated, but our brain doesn't know that.
All our brain knows is that it feels good. The brain translates this into a reward function. MMasturbation triggers the reward center of our brain in exactly the same way a real sexual encounter would. The brain doesn't know if it is right or wrong it just knows that it deserves a reward when we do it. So when a person masturbates to a climax, the Brain thinks “Good Job” That felt good. Here is your reward. The reward being a large dose of dopamine.
So, after the release of orgasm, the brain offers a release of dopamine. Dopamine is the euphoric ‘feel good’ drug that the brain produces to reward us. It gives us the post intimacy ‘feel good glow’.
It is offered to us for other reasons beyond intimacy to be sure. When learning to ride a bike and successfully maintaining balance, the brain gave us a dopamine hit to reinforce the activity. The same goes for tying shoes, learning to swim, learning to walk, getting an A on a test, Feeling good after a workout, a ‘runners rush’ and so forth. It is also dispensed during highly risky activities such as skydiving, motocross, surfing, driving too fast, and more. It, in conjunction with adrenaline, serotonin, and other brain producing chemicals create the perfect combination for securing a habit in place. In this way, over time and with enough repetition, our brains begin to think that we literally have a “Need for Speed”, or sex, or risky behaviors, or pornography and of course, masturbation.
For some reason though, when involved in intimate or sexual activity such as viewing pornography, having intercourse, and masturbating, the brain gives an even larger dose of domanine. Essentially flooding us with euphoria as a bonus.
Most of us don't have a clue that this is going on in our brain. We just know we feel good (And probably a bit of guilt as well).
The point is, the next time a tiny taste of dopamine is released for any reason, even innocent non sexual reasons, we find ourselves wanting a little more. And guess what, the brain now knows where to get it. Masturbation.
In this way the brain encourages us to repeat good and bad habits. It doesn't know or care which is which as long as it makes us feel good. (the brain is just a computer. It is not our soul. It has a function and it performs it).
Unlike other drugs, dopamine is produced by our brain, one can't just detox out of it or tell it to stop producing it. It is a biological function that can not be stopped.
Therefore we have to learn instead how to resist the pull of the dopamine when it hits (See the LDS addiction recovery program. This is an amazing resource).
This is very, very, very hard to do for someone who has allowed themselves to participate in masturbation over and over for years.
And it is not as simple as saying, ”Honey don't worry. I'll take care of that need for you”. A person who uses masturbation or self pleasure to receive his or her dopamine hit has a special relationship with it. I know sounds weird doesn't it? But I actually began to prefer masturbation to actual intimacy. Or at the very least I wanted to maintain my relationship with both.
The other problem with masturbation and dopamine is that, just like with any drug, the user will always crave a bigger hit. That means what started out as a gateway drug to just get a taste of the dopamine, will eventually crave a bigger dosage. And of course there is always a way to get a bigger dosage. It usually includes escalating the action to darker, riskier, and uglier places.
In comes pornography. As big of a rush that one gets from masturbation, that rush will always be increased when one begins to imagine or fantasize about sexual things. But in time, the imaginations are not enough. Usually the escalation continues to viewing pornography. Pornography when combined with masturbation, in my experience, intensifies the dopamine hit even more. This is where one can become addicted to pornography. Not so much to the trashy stuff itself, but to the bigger hit they get when they view it. Again, the brain does not try to make a moral judgment about whether pornography is good or bad, it simply knows that when you view it, it feels really good. Therefore, it unwittingly encourages that behavior. From there it gets more and more risky as the cravings for bigger and bigger hits of dopamine intensify. Often leading the user to view darker, uglier, and even illegal forms of pornography in order to get the hit they need. Of course the culmination of all of this is often trying to recreate that pornoography. The idea is set into the mind of the user that the only way I am going to achieve or receive the ultimate hit or feed the hunger is to actually participate in sexual encounters in the hope to get the biggest rush.
I know… you might say…. Well.. Then, I as his wife would be the obvious choice to do that with…. Right?
Not always. Not for me. I professed to live a religious lifestyle. I wanted her to see him as clean. I wanted her to see me as worthy. She represents purity, cleanliness, wholesomeness. Furthermore to get the increased hit of dopamine, there had to be some elevated action and there is no risk with her. She was safe. I had been intimate with her already… I knew the hunger I was trying to feed went beyond what I had experienced at home. So… I followed the hunger to other places. (I am quite aware that many men addicted to pornography do bring this into their homes and invite their spouses to participate in recreated fantasies. I am intentionally skipping this at this time as I will discuss this point in a separate post.)
This was my exact path of escalation. I did not understand at the time that dopamine was the culprit. If only I understood the dangers of masturbation as a young man, perhaps I could have sought help… but I didn't. Nor did I want the help. What I wanted was more. I wanted a way to feed the hunger.
So…. In my opinion, anyone who says… it's just masturbation …. Is on a very very slippery slope.
I do not believe (my personal opinion) that masturbation is a simple victimless action. Men and women who masturbate for whatever reason are playing with fire. It ignites passions and hungers and fantasies that will want to be fed.
The world tells us that masturbation is a healthy function and that we should all participate in it. But, as is often the case, the world is lying to us.
The problem is 99% of men have no understanding of the relationship between masturbation and dopamine. They may even feel they are in complete control of their self pleasuring habits. ‘I can stop anytime I want to’ or ‘I only do this because it gives you a break from having to service my needs when you are not in the mood’ or ‘ I only do it occasionally to release stress’. Whatever the case may be, the ability to simply stop the habit becomes increasingly more difficult the longer it persists. One actually doesn't realize how quickly they move to masturbation , when triggered, until they try to stop. By then, it may be so rooted as habit, that simply “Stopping” is out of their means and ability to do on their own.
