DEAR ADDI
How can I help my wife heal? Step 1
It has been several months since I confessed to my wife about my pornography addiction that led to an affair. We have chosen to work through this and save our family. With the passing of time we have had many good days, however, she still weeps in pain several times a week. I am trying to to prove I can be trusted, but she still hesitates when I leave the home or look at my phone. I know this is a long process, but what more can I do? Please, help me to help her heal.
Signed,
Desperate for her to be whole
Dear Desperate,
I applaud you for your willingness to help your wife heal. I hate to say it but, I think you are the exception rather than the rule. I’ve talked to and read about many couples in a similar situation where it, more often than not, seems that once the husband has confessed his sins, he simply leaves his wife to heal on her own. This happens, I think, because as an addict, we live our lives in this self centered world of indulgence. Just like the trained circus lion, when the craving came and cracked its whip, we responded, ready to jump through the ring of fire. It tries to control our actions and, conditioned as we are, we dutifully obey.
Furthermore, our obedience to our lustful desires has, over time, decreased our ability to feel empathy or concern for others. It is a singular focus and for those filthy moments of indulgence, we are a slave to the drug, blocking all others out until the fix is complete. After years of selfishly responding to the crack of the whip, is it any wonder we have a difficult time placing anyone else's needs before ours?
When the offender is finally on the road to recovery and his own burden of sin is lifted, he will feel a sudden and immediate release from the cage of guilt and sin. He will proclaim his freedom from the adversary and with joy look forward to a life free from the clutches of Satan, followed by a desire to return to a normal life.
But what of his spouse? Only weeks before she thought her marriage was complete and whole. She believed the man she clung to for strength, protection, and guidance, was being faithful and true. Now, she is left struggling to pick up the pieces of her shattered life. But he, in his habit of selfishness, simply wants to move forward, putting his painful past behind him and in most cases, never wants to speak of it again.
This, I believe, will sound familiar to many who read this post.
Now, lets talk about what we can do to heal. First of all, we need to dispel the idea that you can, of yourself, do anything that will heal your wife. You must accept it up front: you can't fix this, not on your own. The healing that takes place must involve all three members of your marriage: you, your wife, and your Father in Heaven. Leaving any one element out of the process will either destroy your chances of success or make for a longer and much more painful process.
I offer the following suggestions. Please be aware that I have come up with these suggestions through my learning at the school of hard knocks. It has been through much trial and error that I have learned what works for my wife and marriage. These suggestions may or may not be helpful for you and your spouse...they are just things that seem to work for us. Here is the first suggestion: (The remainder will come in subsequent posts)
1 - Recognize the repercussions of your choices.
*Note: These are the repercussions that I have seen in my wife. They may not apply to every spouse.
Have you ever tried to clean a lawn mower with a pressure washer? The bottom of a lawn mower is curved in such a way that as you spray it with the powerful jet of water, rather than watching the clumps of grass and dirt slip away, they often rebound and splatter in every direction. I found once after attempting to clean my mower in this way, that while the machine ended up pristine, I walked away covered in filth and grass and grease. Confession to your spouse might be considered in this light. While you may have felt a cleansing and lifting of the stains of sin, she is now covered in the dirty over spray of your confession.
Confession is messy. There is no perfectly imagined scenario that shields a loved one from the pain that it brings. But it is essential. For years you have secretly participated in your private addiction that led to either the actual or virtual breaking of your covenants. For years she has obliviously thought that nothing is wrong. Finally, you choose to confess and purge your soul of all the filth and guilt that has been stored deep inside, hoping to rescue yourself and your marriage in the process. If your wife chooses to forgive you and work through the issues, then you need to stand back and take a good look at what the aftermath of your confession looks like. As you release yourself from the filth of sin (which we know is a GOOD thing and necessary), your wife is suddenly weighed down with the reality of what has been going on in your life.
She will begin to question what was real. She will question her memories, special moments, spontaneous gestures, and anything prior to the revelation. This is OK… it has to be done. There is no moving forward without reconciling the past. This will take time. Your humble willingness to go through the process with her will soften the pain and reassure her in time of doubt.
She will assume that she has done something wrong. And who wouldn't? Life is smoothly moving forward with little to no sign of rocky ground when suddenly, the revelation of deceit, depravity, or infidelity is shared. She is thrown off kilter and her first response will be to assign blame. Logically, she knows the blame lies with you, but emotionally, she wants to affix it to herself. No amount of explaining will ever wipe the idea out of her mind that she is not to blame. You will have to reassure her frequently that she did not cause this.
She will lose every sense of self worth and question her own identity. This is such a hard thing to watch a loved one go through, especially when YOU are the reason they have to go through it. But she has been stripped of the rudder that steered her ship. Her Identity had become tied to you and your unconditional love for her. Now she searches for that sense of safety that was found in the knowledge of fidelity.
She will question her weight, clothing, and appearance. I know that many women struggle with the way they look (especially after they have had a few children.) Suddenly struck with the knowledge that, "My husband would rather look at porn or other women than me," consider the blow that that realization does to her already fragile psyche. She will think she is old, ugly and fat. Daily loving reminders of her beauty will go a long way to reassuring her that she is truly gorgeous in your eyes.
She will see a threat in women on TV, in magazines, and in public. Suddenly every women in a tight skirt or low cut blouse is the enemy. She will begin to see them as attacking her family. They are a threat to her marriage, her husband's soul, and her eternity. She will begin to despise their open airing of their body parts, even though they are completely unaware of any offense to her. She will begin to hate them as they flaunt their sexuality in a way that feels like a personal and pointed attack. (Women in yoga pants severely trigger my wife as she knows that they severely trigger me.)
She will carry the hurt and heaviness of worthlessness, betrayal, and humiliation. She is going to feel like a fool. She will think, “How could this have been going on under my nose and I didn't notice?” Of course she will feel betrayed. Her husband, confidant, and secret keeper has been living a double life. She will be overwhelmed with this new knowledge. She will eventually be able to sort most of it out and come to an understanding, but it will take time. which means you will need patience.
She will begin to question her Heavenly father's presence in her life. For me, this has been the most painful thing to watch. She has spent her life feeling comforted, protected and watched over by Her Father in heaven whom she has learned to trust, and yet for some reason, He chose not to warn her of her husband's addiction that would escalate into a battle to save her eternal marriage. Though she understands that God cannot step in and change or alter our decisions and the way they will affect others, She now struggles to trust her impressions. She questions whether they are divinely given, manufactured out of a worried mind, or the devices of the adversary.
She will hurt and ache and even at times, want to die. Even as time passes and you are able to prove to her your willingness to do whatever is needed to preserve your family, she will still at times be pulled back into those dark memories of first learning about the betrayal done to her. She will re-live that pain and in so doing revert back to those painful feelings of being lost and alone. The ache runs so much deeper than we could possibly understand and may bubble to the surface and overflow unexpectedly. Again, a loving patient husband who puts her needs first will go a long way to reminding her of the changes that have taken place and the safe place she is in now.
She will allow her imaginations to conjure up scenes of infidelity and betrayal that will plague her dreams. She will have a difficult time not imagining the most hurtful parts of your betrayal. She will on her own, conjure up the illicit images you have viewed, videos you have watched, or encounters you have had. These images and scenes will haunt her. It will become her personal battle to fight them off and keep them from creeping into her thoughts, even in the most spiritual of places and occasions.
Don't assume that since your sins are in the process of being forgiven, that she is clear of the over spray. She is now in Satan’s direct line of fire. He will see her weakness and he will exploit her insecurities.
I want to be clear. DO NOT delay confession for fear of hurting your spouse. You are doing far worse damage by staying silent and not ridding yourself (and ultimately her) of this addiction.
Consider how much easier it will be on your spouse to confess a pornography addiction then to put off confession until your addiction escalates to adultery with all of the repercussions that come with it. Oh how I wish I would have confessed earlier. It would have saved my wife so much pain.
Stay tuned for step two.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Dear Addi: "How do I tell my family about my addiction?"
Okay, so this is a question I have asked myself for the last 13 months. I wanted to tell them but I was afraid of how to go about it. I finally summoned the courage to send each of my siblings a letter that laid it all out. I hoped that they would be understanding and compassionate...not judgemental. Please know that I understand that it is not always wise to tell your story to your extended family. Some of them may not be in a place that they can receive it without damage to themselves or to your relationship with them. It took me 13 months to feel ready. For some of you, it may be years...and that's okay.
So, to answer my own question of "How do I tell my family about my addiction?"...here is the letter I wrote to my family.
Dear Family,
I've been contemplating writing this letter for more than a year now. I probably should be calling each of you and explaining all of this in person but I feel much better equipped to do this in writing. This started out as a letter, but somehow morphed into a sort of essay along the way. I liked the way it felt to write it like this, so I just went with it. This is a very direct look at the last several years of my life. It is a part of me I have hidden from everyone, even my wife. I know I am prone to joking, but I want you to know that every part of what I am about to share with you is true. Here goes…
Two weeks ago yesterday was my Baptism. 2 weeks ago Saturday at 2:30, I and a very small group of people met at the stake center so that I could receive this ordinance for the second time in my life. I recognize that this is an unexpected statement to hear without context. So please bear with me as I explain how I found myself in need of this ordinance again.
The short answer is this: I made a series of bad choices that eventually led me to being unfaithful to my wife. (That last sentence may be the hardest sentence in this whole letter for me to write). How in the world could I have ever let that happen? How could I have let my guard down so completely to the point that I found myself doing the one thing… the only thing… I swore I would never ever do to her? Unfortunately the answer is long… and I don't intend to go into all the details but a few things need to be known.
Victoria and I have had a perfect and wonderful marriage. There has never been a fight or argument that did not get resolved within minutes. We compliment and balance each other. We counsel together on financial and family concerns and have a fun and happy life together. So please know that my mistaken choices had nothing at all to do with home life, love life or lack thereof. Life together with Victoria has been blissful.
So, to answer my own question of "How do I tell my family about my addiction?"...here is the letter I wrote to my family.
Dear Family,
I've been contemplating writing this letter for more than a year now. I probably should be calling each of you and explaining all of this in person but I feel much better equipped to do this in writing. This started out as a letter, but somehow morphed into a sort of essay along the way. I liked the way it felt to write it like this, so I just went with it. This is a very direct look at the last several years of my life. It is a part of me I have hidden from everyone, even my wife. I know I am prone to joking, but I want you to know that every part of what I am about to share with you is true. Here goes…
Two weeks ago yesterday was my Baptism. 2 weeks ago Saturday at 2:30, I and a very small group of people met at the stake center so that I could receive this ordinance for the second time in my life. I recognize that this is an unexpected statement to hear without context. So please bear with me as I explain how I found myself in need of this ordinance again.
The short answer is this: I made a series of bad choices that eventually led me to being unfaithful to my wife. (That last sentence may be the hardest sentence in this whole letter for me to write). How in the world could I have ever let that happen? How could I have let my guard down so completely to the point that I found myself doing the one thing… the only thing… I swore I would never ever do to her? Unfortunately the answer is long… and I don't intend to go into all the details but a few things need to be known.
Victoria and I have had a perfect and wonderful marriage. There has never been a fight or argument that did not get resolved within minutes. We compliment and balance each other. We counsel together on financial and family concerns and have a fun and happy life together. So please know that my mistaken choices had nothing at all to do with home life, love life or lack thereof. Life together with Victoria has been blissful.
Victoria Is my hero. She is my rescuer. She has created a place in her heart to find and fight for forgiveness and in doing so, has made it possible for me to access the Atonement for myself. She is the reason we are working through this most difficult year in the way we are. And it has been a difficult year. We have been under an almost constant attack by the adversary as we have fought to put the pieces of our life back together. There are not enough words to pay tribute to her courage and willingness to fight not only for our family, but for my very soul. Please forgive me if this sounds like one of ‘Jason’s over dramatic exaggerations’… it may sound that way.. but it was a very real battle and my soul was truly in the balance.
I have always had and continue to have a testimony of the Savior, His Atonement, and of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, at some point, the rod of iron slipped from between my fingers and I found myself lulled into the mists of darkness.
You may be asking yourself, “If his marriage was in good order and his testimony was intact, how did he find himself willing to make choices that would both break his covenants and possibly destroy his family?” You wouldn't be alone in that question. I must have asked myself that question a million times only not about myself but about Dad.
I, like you, have considered over the years how different things might have been had it not been for some of the choices Dad made. I spoke to dad about this recently. I confessed to him that for most of my life I had been angry at him and had judged him harshly for being too weak in the face of temptation. He knows a bit about my situation and now I know a lot more about his. I realized that I needed to apologize to him for the feelings I had been carrying for years and years .And even though neither he nor I have a full picture of the path each other has traveled to get to where we are now (or to where he was), I am finally able to understand a bit of what he was struggling with when he made those choices. But the truth is, because of his example, I decided that no matter what, I was never going to betray my wife. I was never going to hurt her that way...I was never going to be unfaithful. And then… I was.
My purpose for writing this letter is two- fold. First, to let you know of the battle we have been fighting this year to regain our family. And second, to warn you, and if you see fit, your children, of the dangers of playing with fire… even a little bit.
And now for the long explanation….My downfall, quite simply put, was pornograghy. At some point, in the past several years, I found myself online where I didn't belong. Whether it was by mistake, or by following a link that I should have ignored…. I got there. For one moment I let my guard down. For one moment I decided that it would not be so bad to look ‘just this one time’. I thought to myself that, ‘Its not like one short look is going to plunge me deep into a life of sin.’ So one time, for one moment, I let my guard down, and I looked and only for a few minutes. But during those few minutes a chemical reaction took place in my brain. With it, my brain recorded both the images and the feelings that viewing this site made me feel. After several minutes I began to also feel guilty and ashamed. So I turned it off, vowing to never give in again.
Not too many days had passed, when again I found myself at that crossroad. This time however, a battled ensued. I recalled how guilty I felt after my last encounter and at the same time, I was able to retrieve the recording and with it the feeling of excitement and a craving to look again. This time I found myself rationalizing that ‘Last time I only looked for a few minutes and I was easily able to shut it off. Certainly I would have that same strength again this time.’ And so I again gave in.
From that time on. I found myself struggling weekly as to whether or not I should engage in my new habit. It was a hard time for me because at the same time I was struggling with this vice, I was also living a lie in front of my family and friends. I wanted so badly to be the good husband, father, priesthood holder and leader that they saw me as. I knew that I needed to rid myself of this perversion and confess my sins but I feared the outcome of such a confession. My rationalization went something like this, “if you confess to the Bishop then you will be put on discipline and everyone will know. You will get released and everyone will ask why. Your wife will be so disgusted with your filthy habit that she will leave you. She will think she did something wrong.” So, I said and did nothing and vowed to fight this alone and never tell anyone. Not until I had it under control. Then I would repent later, once I have mastered it.”
It's interesting the way Satan fools us into thinking his thoughts are ours. I have learned that Satan does not put impressions into our minds using a deep bassy Satanic voice. On the contrary… when Satan places impressions in our heads, they sound an awful like us. They even feel like our own thoughts. In using this technique, he is able to trick us into believing his words as if they are our own. And I bought them completely. You may say…. ‘but those are such simple arguments.. and so flimsy… why couldn't you see through them?’ The answer is because I was already deep into the fog of addiction by this time and when you are in the fog, it’s just so hard to really see clearly. Our decisions and actions seem rational and understandable when in reality, they are anything but.
With a determination not to tell and a desire to stop my habit, I went to war on my own. Over the next few months I would win for a few weeks and then lose and then win and then lose...over and over again. One of the adversary’s greatest and most convincing lies is this: “You are strong enough to do this alone. No one need ever know that you have this weakness. You can conquer this by yourself.” And since this habit is so embarrassing, I wanted to believe those thoughts. It’s a deception though, because despite what the world wants us to believe about self empowerment and personal strength to overcome anything on our own, God’s plan was never designed to be a journey of solitude and self perfection. In fact, one evidence of this is presented in the Garden as the Savior knelt to pray. Knowing that He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and seeing that He alone had to pay the price for all of our sins, He still looked to his Father and asked for help. He called upon God 3 times and asked him to “Take this cup from Him” if it be His will. And then, in the midst of His agony and under the weight of the task, He was visited and strengthened by an Angel so that He could endure and complete the Atonement for all. Even the most perfect man who ever lived, sought help to overcome.
Unfortunately pride, fear, and self deception, kept me from seeking the same. My inability to overcome sent me spiraling over and over again to my addiction. Eventually after so many failed attempts, I gave up trying and decided it had beat me. I allowed myself to succumb to the hunger and fell deeper and farther into a horrible place filled with filth. I continued to live a double life, playing the part of the righteous man on the one hand, and living in my secret cesspool on the other.
It is hard to explain what living in this kind of a state does to you. First and foremost your entire life has become a lie. You must lie daily to cover up your actions, thoughts, and desires. Every move becomes calculated. The second thing that I became aware of, is that I didn't like myself. Not at all. Over time I would come to hate everything about myself. I hated not only my sinful acts of searching and indulging in a world of pornography, but also the liar that I was. I could see how my wife looked at me. I knew what she thought I was. I knew what my stake president and bishop thought I was. I did not live up to their expectations. I was a fraud. I hated myself. In my own eyes, I was an awful and horrible person. And so again.. I vowed I could never let them know. No one could know.
The problem with a vice like pornography is that it is rooted in Lust. And one thing that I have learned about lust is that it can never be satisfied. Over several years of secret addiction, I discovered that my lustful appetite was always hungry. It seemed that no matter what filth I fed it, it was never full.
I was thinking about this the other day and came up with the following analogy. Suppose you are hungry and decide to grab some lunch. You can choose between a lot of places to go and some places you choose will have more healthy options than others. So choosing where you want to go is critical. Lets say I choose to go to Mcdonalds. With a choice like Mcdonalds, I know my healthy choices are limited. I probably should have chosen someplace with better options but, here I am. Now, I do have a few healthy choices on the menu. I could choose a salad, or I could choose a Wrap… or I could choose a Big Mac. If I choose the Big Mac, I have made an unhealthy choice… but its only one Big Mac. Tomorrow I'll get the salad. But tomorrow when I come back, I look at the menu and think.. hmm.. that big mac was sure good yesterday… I think I'll have another one! I can have a salad tomorrow. Day after day, when faced with limited options, I return to the one I crave most even though I know deep inside that it is an awful choice. Eventually though, I realize that one Big Mac is not enough and soon I am ordering two because one just doesn't satisfy my hunger any more. Before I know it, I am standing in front of a buffet of horrible food, feasting and feasting and for some reason I am never getting full.
Lust can never be satisfied. A tiny bite of lust will leave you wanting more. Eventually it will push you to wanting things that aren't on the menu at all and before you know it, you are asking yourself, “how did I get here?” Keep in mind, it doesn't happen overnight. No one ever woke up one morning and said to themselves, “Today I am going to get hooked on pornography and later today I’ll break all of my covenants.”
Eventually that is where I found myself… trying harder and harder to feed a filthy hunger. I was trapped in a cycle that had no exit and I desperately wanted to escape. I wanted to escape from my lies, escape from my sins and escape from the inability to make better choices. At some point during the addiction process, that ability is surrendered to the adversary. The process of being ensnared in bondage is slow. Satan is patient. It was years of my life. It was too many years of day by day, chipping away at my resolve. Each new choice I made was only a centimeter farther than the one I made the day before. But centimeters add up. Those centimeter became inches and feet and yards and miles and with each tiny movement, I found myself closer and closer to hell.
My “ how did I get here” moment came too late for me. It wasn't until I had spent too many hours conjuring up too many excuses and convincing myself with even more lies that I finally found myself having ultimately broken my covenants. I had done the one thing I vowed I would never do. My self loathing,and self pity began to turn towards self destruction.
It was at this point that I began to believe that the Atonement was no longer an option for me. There would be no rescue for me. The lies of Satan now sounded like doctrine. I believed that I was a lost soul. I was so fully engulfed in my own pride and fear that I could never confess. But I knew without confession and repentance I would be cast off. So what did that leave for me?... nothing. I wanted to disappear from off the earth.
And then the miracles began. Over the course of 2 days we had several things happen that forced all of my lies and deceit to the surface. A close friend lost a child and we found ourselves discussing the eternities. During that conversation, Victoria, who was already struggling with suspicion, asked me for a blessing. I said NO. I had never denied her a blessing before. I knew, of course, that I was anything but worthy. She became concerned with no further explanation. This increased her worry.
Another friend left me a cryptic phone message sending my paranoid mind into a frenzy of conspiracy and concern. He wanted to meet with me. Every other time he had called, he and I had simply talked on the phone. I called him back and asked if we could discuss whatever it was. He insisted that we meet AND wanted to know if he could he come over today. Did he know? Have I been caught? Can I lie my way out of this? I made an excuse and put it off for a couple of days, but the freaking out had begun inside my head, and my panic grew.
And then, Victoria asked if we could go on an early morning bike ride. It was out of place and unexpected. I was supposed to go into work that day but I could see the concern and stress on her face and decided that perhaps a bike ride would be good for us so, I obliged. As we rode our bikes, I had the sense that today would be the day that it would all come out.
I look back on each of those moments as miracles. In hindsight, they were far more than coincidences. They were truly tender mercies. Those simple moments sent each of us into a place of concern. I feel like the Lord took advantage of those moments to bring everything to a head. It became the perfect environment of tension, stress and concern created to force everything to the surface.
As we rode, I tried to summon the courage to speak but old fears that had long plagued me came to mind. I believed that if I spoke the truth I would lose everything of most importance to me on that very day. So, despite the very clear impression to finally expose it all, I held my tongue and continued in my silence. I rode quietly down the path with a heavy, dark shadow hanging over me.
And so the Lord, seeing my unwillingness to talk, shifted gears and went to work on Victoria. Her ride was different than mine. She began to consider all of the things that didn't add up, all of the little details that seemed unanswered. And so, filled with courage supplied by the Lord (and a prompting that this was going to be a very hard day for her), she began asking me questions. They were questions that I no longer had the will to lie about. They were questions I so desperately wanted to answer. With each questions my resolve broke a little bit more.
On that very painful morning in January of 2014, I relented and Victoria’s life began to crumble before her as I divulged everything to her tender ears. She would tell you it was the worst day of her entire life. It was for both of us. Imagine the pain of that revelation! I know my sisters can imagine it. You can because even though your marriages are intact, you have seen so many others go through hard things like this, and it’s impossible not to imagine yourself going through it. You might imagine how much it would hurt or how painful and real it would feel. All of those crushing feelings of hurt and deceit that you can imagine, it is that X10.
All of a sudden the repercussions of my actions came flooding in. Suddenly on her face I could see the damage I had caused and the hurt I had inflicted. I had been living in a war zone but I had been selfishly fighting my battle alone. The problem is, I was losing every fight. When finally I felt beat and ready to surrender, that’s when the landmine I had been standing on exploded. Up to that point, I had convinced myself that I would be the only one damaged by this. Somehow that made so much sense in my fog filled head. My sins were mine. I had to personally pay the price for them. I had heard that anthem sung so many times over the years in my head, I had little reason to doubt it. Of course, I knew deep down that those standing closest to me… whether they knew of the battle raging on or not, couldn't escape the shrapnel that flew in every direction. There is always collateral damage. Victoria had been loyally standing right there when the bomb went off and unfortunately she was mortally wounded with soul crushing debris.
I am going to share with you a very personal part of this journey for Victoria and me, but I think it is the key to my personal recovery and to the recovery we have made as a family. The next few minutes after my confession came pouring out, were some of the hardest minutes of my life. I watched my wife literally melt into a puddle of nothingness. Her purpose, her goals, her future, her very eternity, had just been obliterated. With just a few words over a few minutes, I had shifted the weight, worry, and hopelessness that I had been carrying for years, and watched as it brutally descended on her. Her life had been shattered.
I watched helpless, as she curled up in a ball in the front seat of the car and began screaming, “This hurts too much… I can't do this… it’s more than I can handle… I want to die, God! Please let me die!” As she expressed the depth of her pain, my guilt and shame again reached a point of wanting an exit. The person I love most in all the world was suffering under the extreme hurt of my actions. I shared every painful word that she expelled in agony, “I can't do this, This hurts too much to watch her suffer for my mistakes... Please God... just let me die, so I don't have to watch her suffer.”
In the last year, I have spoken to many men both online and in group about their sexual addictions. Many of them are divorced or separated because of where their actions led them. As I have talked with some, I get the sense that while they regret their choices and the breaking of covenants, they still had a very hard time staying with their betrayed spouse. Staying meant watching their wives suffer. It was easier to separate and avoid facing a spouse broken by his sins then to work through the difficulties and pain of recovery. I loved my wife, but in that moment, All I wanted to do was to disappear forever so as to not see her suffer. In this thinking, I found myself again, falling into an old pattern of selfishness. One more time, I would think of myself first.
Several minutes passed and I finally spoke. “Victoria, What do you want me to do? I will do anything you ask of me. Do you want me to leave? What do you want me to do?” I had prepared myself for her answer. It was obvious. I will never be able to repair this. And honestly, I knew I was an addict. I knew I needed help. I did not know if I could get it under control. I had tried and failed so many times. Failure was the only answer I knew. So, I was prepared to fail again. It was all going to be over. Family, Wife, church…. I was about to lose it all.
The next few moments will forever be seared into my mind. They are the most treasured moments of my life. Victoria pulled herself together and said in a quiet voice “I can forgive you”. I was stunned. I had prepared myself for a lot of things. I knew that if my secrets were ever revealed all would come crashing down and I would have nothing left. However, I never expected those words. My tears began to flow uncontrollably. “I can forgive you Jason”, She said again, “I love you. When we got married, It was forever. So we are going to fight through this.”
That was the defining moment of this, the second half of my life. I knew the atonement existed. I knew it was real, But I believed I could never access it. I believed the lies I had heard over and over in my head that I would never qualify. “Its just out of reach for you. So shut up, keep lying, and perhaps you can make it through this life without being discovered. Then you will receive the consequences of your actions.”
I truly believed that. Can You imagine? I have spent years of my life teaching and testifying of the reality of repentance, only secretly… I felt it did not apply to me. So, to hear those words come out of her mouth… that was the beginning of my rescue. That was the light of hope I thought I would never receive. It also marked the beginning of my liberation from a bondage that I had given up looking for.
Several more minutes passed as a list of ultimatums were given and received. More and more and more questions were asked and answered and asked again. Details I swore I would take to my grave were flowing freely out of my mouth in eager answer to every concern. All the while we both continued to weep in the agony of the moment.
Somewhere in the midst of our first honest exchange in years, I had a realization. It was quite simple actually. An impression settled in. It was subtle and yet so overwhelmingly powerful. My reason for weeping shifted from my guilt and shame as I began to understand what had just taken place. Suddenly, all of the lies, the sins, the hurt, the deception...It would all come out. I would no longer be buried by the sins. The Atonement was now closer than ever before. I would finally have the opportunity to use it.
For the first time in a long time, I felt a clear sense of freedom from the chains of deceit. I knew that I no longer had to take these sins with me to my grave. I knew for the first time in my life, that I might just have the opportunity to stand before my Savior without hanging my head in shame.
Please forgive me again for my dramatic description of all of this… but its impossible to get you into the place my head was in without being a bit dramatic. I have considered it many times over the last year…. how best to describe my state of mind from the moments before my confession to the minutes after… and though this is definitely on the dramatic side, I think the following analogy is as close as I can get.
I was a dead man. I had committed the most grievous offence against both my God and my wife. This sin is only second to that of murder. Forgiveness is obtainable but only with confession. Well, I had already convinced myself that confession would never happen. It couldn’t. It would be too painful and unforgivable, too embarrassing, too difficult, and far too public. I would take my sins to my grave and reap the consequences, and so I was a dead man. Near the end, my addiction was beginning to spiral out of control. I had no bearing as to which way was north and I was tired of trying to correct course. Imprisoned in my bondage, I simply waited, secretly, for my sentance to be carried out. And just as a man sits on death row, waiting to die, I had lost all hope. And then, at the end of the long walk to the chamber, as I was about to step into the room for my sentence to be completed, the phone rang. And the governor's voice could be heard saying, “He has been granted a stay.”
This confession and recovery period was something I wanted with all of my heart but never expected to obtain. And now, finally, It could be real. Later that day, we visited with the stake president and the bishop. Within 2 weeks I had been released from my calling and a week after that, my council was held and I was excommunicated for my deeds.
Those 3 weeks were some of the most wonderful weeks of my life. I was a new man. I had shed off of myself the weight and was anxious to use the atonement. Of course the repercussions of my actions were also some of the most difficult challenges. Victoria and I have been to counseling, we attended weekly addiction recovery meetings, and have worked, and talked, and cried through some of the most painful moments of this over and over again.
This last year has been one of intensely facing every challenge head on. This tactic is not one that most utilize when trying to recover from something so hurtful and heartbreaking. But our approach has been inspired for us. Every question we take head on. Every experience we walk directly into. We have learned that our marriage is a symbiotic relationship. One alone can't do it. Only complete honesty no matter how brutal and painful it is will do.
The adversary loves our lies and secrets. If you want to remove satan from your life, the easiest way to do it is to reveal all of your secrets. He has no power or influence over you if you have nothing to hide. But secrets are the devils playground. When we are withholding something, especially from someone we love, we give the devil a way in. The adversary has a way of making us feel that our secrets should never ever be divulged...that the most horrible consequences will be had if you ever share that little secret. But secrets grow and before we know it we are covering one with another and no explanation will suffice. The devil can grab hold of those secrets as if they are handlebars on a bike and force us to turn in any direction he chooses. When we keep secrets, we give up control.. not entirely, but the chains of dishonesty are the heaviest to wear, even though they are often the easiest to shed.
I have learned about the adversary. I am learning his tools and techniques to lull us into carnal security. In learning them, I have been able to see them coming and divert my attention to safer paths. I have discovered what the process of true repentance looks like. Its so much more than a brief confession to the Lord. In reality, it often feels like physical battle or a proving ground. And it takes time to be proven. It is a long drag across the gravel… picking rocks out of scrapes and enduring the pain.
The refiners fire has a new understanding for us. My poor sweet wife never expected to have to walk through this fire. My choices placed her in the middle of it. But thank God we are walking through it together.
When I was first excommunicated, I had an odd combination of feelings. It was gratitude for the opportunity to finally and truthfully utilize the gospel as intended…. but I also felt a heavy sense of shame and embarrassment. Embarrassment that I had been released from such a prominent calling without explanation. I knew that people would begin to talk. And they did. At times it was frustrating to hear the rumors about me coming back to our ears. we wanted to believe that we were above such pettiness, but we are human, and the emotions and betrayal seemed to seep in all over again.
The hardest thing was to simply acknowledge that I was broken. I didn't like the idea of being broken. I had always appeared to be so intact. I had things together, as far as anyone knew. But part of repentance is humility and I began to not only accept that I am broken, but to come to love that I am broken.
Its a hard lesson to learn, but it’s quite obvious when you look at the big picture. We are all broken. Yes, to different degrees for sure but broken nonetheless. We have to be. It is an eternal principle. God did not send us here to be perfect. If He had, we would all be living satan’s plan right now. On the contrary, He sent us here to mess up, and sometimes in colossal ways. Why? So we could show Him we would turn to Him in our darkest hours, just like the Savior did in the Garden. This became my mantra over this last year. I am broke and that is exactly how the Savior wants me. He desires my broken heart. He needs my broken pride. When broken things mend… they tend to mend stronger than before.
This year has also been a year of service for us. We immediately began attending an Addiction recovery class. We wanted to attend one that was a specific Pornography/sex addiction class. The church only has a standard “all inclusive” class in town so we began driving an hour north each week to attend a pornography addiction class there. Attending this class was a huge humble pill for me. I was so ready to jump in, but was so out of my element. I was used to running meetings and teaching at meetings, not listening and learning from those around me. But listen and learn I did. This weekly class has become a cherished night of the week for us. Victoria attends a meeting for wives and I attend a meeting for addicts. We would see between 10 and 20 men each week. While humbling at first, I quickly began to identify with and love these good men. They are truly great men who all have a weakness that they want so badly to conquer.
I have attended meetings of every shape and size. I have met with apostles and with youth. I can tell you that I have never been to a more spiritual meeting in the church than this weekly meeting with my brothers. These men are attending freely, out of choice. They come because they have found safety and confidentiality and because they know that those in attendance are going through the same things. There words are raw and real and filled with hope and desire. It is an amazing experience.
The wives meet and discuss their own challenges. They are dealing with concerns, trust, the inevitable feeling of worthlessness and lack of confidence that comes from betrayal. Victoria will tell you the same. She can’t wait to be with those other good sisters each week.
The addiction recovery program is one of the church’s hidden gems. Everybody knows it is happening, but nobody would ever want to be seen going. Well, it is a powerful and healing place to be when fighting to overcome sin. Some day I may share my notes (I have 3 journals worth) but I think that will have to be another letter.
About 4 month into the process, we found ourselves in a position to help another couple that was struggling with similar issues. We began inviting them to the class with us. Not long after we were asked by the bishop to take another couple under our wings and encourage them to attend. Over time we have encouraged several couples to either meet with us in private or to join us at our meetings. At one point we had a total of 6 couples driving up with us from our ward to attend the class. (most were dealing with a pornography addiction not infidelity).
Victoria is my angel. She is the reason I am here today. And so here we are nearly 14 months later. We are stronger, closer, and more connected than ever before. There is hope in our lives and focus on our future. This last year has been nothing short of miraculous. The Atonement of our Savior has become a living tangible source of strength, recovery, and healing. It has been a source of strength for Andrea as well, as she has had to come to terms with who we are now as a family and a couple, and she daily considers our future, especially as we work to rebuild trust. It will be a long road. I have shattered that perfect mirror and sometimes we are doing good, just to see any reflection in it all. But, with time, it seems to be more and more usable. It will take time and we are committed to each other and to the time it takes.
We have completely turned our lives over to the Lord in a way that we hope will both strengthen us and allow us to help strengthen others. This is not the way we wanted to get where we are, but we have realized that through the trials over the last couple of years, that it’s not how you get there, only that you get there.
The most important lesson here is this….. it is never too late. You are never too far gone. I know I have a lot of battle left to fight. My sobriety has been a powerful reminder to me that with God, nothing is impossible.
For me, excommunication was a gift. It was the only course that would have put me in a position to flush it all out and return anew. I will be forever grateful for the decision of the council to take away my membership. There is a blessing in losing everything… it forces you to consider life without the things you cherish most.
With my baptism completed, I am now able to again have the gift of the holy ghost. Oh how I wish I hadn't ignored and taken it for granted. I have a chance now to prove my worthiness of his companionship and to keep it close at all times.
I want you to know that I don't feel as if I am “Fixed.” Addiction does not disappear overnight or over a year. Contrary to what people say though, I don't believe the statement “Once an addict always an addict.” I believe that the gospel offers healing. But I also know that I am gaining the strength required to push off the adversary. And I am happy to say, so far, I am winning. The good news is, I know for certainty that the Atonement is in place for me now. Should I slip... should I trip… I am not afraid to confess. I am not ashamed to be broken.
Having said that, after having the opportunity to share our story with a few locally, and seeing the way it has benefited them, we feel a calling of sorts to share our successes and failures with others who are struggling. We will wait for the Lord to direct us in that effort, but our desire to help others has to some extent overshadowed the fears of sharing something so personal. Victoria feels strongly that this letter can be a source of strength to others who may be walking this difficult path alone. So with that in mind we want you to, at your discretion, feel free to share this with those that you think may benefit from it and please, not just as a form of gossip. Men who struggle with addiction, and wives, who battle the aftermath, need to know that there are success stories out there. An addiction that escalates, does not have to mean the end of an eternal companionship. My wife is the perfect example of forgiveness, love and support. She is hurting still, and she struggles still, but she and I are both dedicated to our success.
We understand that this letter is going to come as a shock and perhaps a disappointment to you, my family. The reason for waiting the year to tell you about our struggles was for me, to first prove to myself, my father in heaven, and my wife that I could win the first year and regain my membership. Now, when we do see each other face to face again, please don’t treat us any differently. We are happy, healthy and proud of what we have accomplished this year (with the Lord’s help). We are the same people...just better.
I apologize for the length of this letter. But I wanted to be thorough. I want to end with this: If you, or your children feel inspired in any way by this letter, then I urge you to act. Act now. Do not delay repentance. Fear and Pride are the tools the adversary uses to keep us from doing what must be done. Put it out there now. Don't waste any more years of your life feeling defeated or trapped. You may be in the midst of a free fall that seems endless and out of control… but I promise you.. God has his arms out and he is ready to catch you the very second you reach for him.
I love you all. Please know I am not afraid to talk about this with any of you. Actually the opposite. If you want to know something, please call me or email me. I would prefer you get the story from my mouth then second hand.
Lastly, while we are doing great right now, please.. keep us in your prayers. We are still battling demons on all fronts.
I have always had and continue to have a testimony of the Savior, His Atonement, and of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, at some point, the rod of iron slipped from between my fingers and I found myself lulled into the mists of darkness.
You may be asking yourself, “If his marriage was in good order and his testimony was intact, how did he find himself willing to make choices that would both break his covenants and possibly destroy his family?” You wouldn't be alone in that question. I must have asked myself that question a million times only not about myself but about Dad.
I, like you, have considered over the years how different things might have been had it not been for some of the choices Dad made. I spoke to dad about this recently. I confessed to him that for most of my life I had been angry at him and had judged him harshly for being too weak in the face of temptation. He knows a bit about my situation and now I know a lot more about his. I realized that I needed to apologize to him for the feelings I had been carrying for years and years .And even though neither he nor I have a full picture of the path each other has traveled to get to where we are now (or to where he was), I am finally able to understand a bit of what he was struggling with when he made those choices. But the truth is, because of his example, I decided that no matter what, I was never going to betray my wife. I was never going to hurt her that way...I was never going to be unfaithful. And then… I was.
My purpose for writing this letter is two- fold. First, to let you know of the battle we have been fighting this year to regain our family. And second, to warn you, and if you see fit, your children, of the dangers of playing with fire… even a little bit.
And now for the long explanation….My downfall, quite simply put, was pornograghy. At some point, in the past several years, I found myself online where I didn't belong. Whether it was by mistake, or by following a link that I should have ignored…. I got there. For one moment I let my guard down. For one moment I decided that it would not be so bad to look ‘just this one time’. I thought to myself that, ‘Its not like one short look is going to plunge me deep into a life of sin.’ So one time, for one moment, I let my guard down, and I looked and only for a few minutes. But during those few minutes a chemical reaction took place in my brain. With it, my brain recorded both the images and the feelings that viewing this site made me feel. After several minutes I began to also feel guilty and ashamed. So I turned it off, vowing to never give in again.
Not too many days had passed, when again I found myself at that crossroad. This time however, a battled ensued. I recalled how guilty I felt after my last encounter and at the same time, I was able to retrieve the recording and with it the feeling of excitement and a craving to look again. This time I found myself rationalizing that ‘Last time I only looked for a few minutes and I was easily able to shut it off. Certainly I would have that same strength again this time.’ And so I again gave in.
From that time on. I found myself struggling weekly as to whether or not I should engage in my new habit. It was a hard time for me because at the same time I was struggling with this vice, I was also living a lie in front of my family and friends. I wanted so badly to be the good husband, father, priesthood holder and leader that they saw me as. I knew that I needed to rid myself of this perversion and confess my sins but I feared the outcome of such a confession. My rationalization went something like this, “if you confess to the Bishop then you will be put on discipline and everyone will know. You will get released and everyone will ask why. Your wife will be so disgusted with your filthy habit that she will leave you. She will think she did something wrong.” So, I said and did nothing and vowed to fight this alone and never tell anyone. Not until I had it under control. Then I would repent later, once I have mastered it.”
It's interesting the way Satan fools us into thinking his thoughts are ours. I have learned that Satan does not put impressions into our minds using a deep bassy Satanic voice. On the contrary… when Satan places impressions in our heads, they sound an awful like us. They even feel like our own thoughts. In using this technique, he is able to trick us into believing his words as if they are our own. And I bought them completely. You may say…. ‘but those are such simple arguments.. and so flimsy… why couldn't you see through them?’ The answer is because I was already deep into the fog of addiction by this time and when you are in the fog, it’s just so hard to really see clearly. Our decisions and actions seem rational and understandable when in reality, they are anything but.
With a determination not to tell and a desire to stop my habit, I went to war on my own. Over the next few months I would win for a few weeks and then lose and then win and then lose...over and over again. One of the adversary’s greatest and most convincing lies is this: “You are strong enough to do this alone. No one need ever know that you have this weakness. You can conquer this by yourself.” And since this habit is so embarrassing, I wanted to believe those thoughts. It’s a deception though, because despite what the world wants us to believe about self empowerment and personal strength to overcome anything on our own, God’s plan was never designed to be a journey of solitude and self perfection. In fact, one evidence of this is presented in the Garden as the Savior knelt to pray. Knowing that He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and seeing that He alone had to pay the price for all of our sins, He still looked to his Father and asked for help. He called upon God 3 times and asked him to “Take this cup from Him” if it be His will. And then, in the midst of His agony and under the weight of the task, He was visited and strengthened by an Angel so that He could endure and complete the Atonement for all. Even the most perfect man who ever lived, sought help to overcome.
Unfortunately pride, fear, and self deception, kept me from seeking the same. My inability to overcome sent me spiraling over and over again to my addiction. Eventually after so many failed attempts, I gave up trying and decided it had beat me. I allowed myself to succumb to the hunger and fell deeper and farther into a horrible place filled with filth. I continued to live a double life, playing the part of the righteous man on the one hand, and living in my secret cesspool on the other.
It is hard to explain what living in this kind of a state does to you. First and foremost your entire life has become a lie. You must lie daily to cover up your actions, thoughts, and desires. Every move becomes calculated. The second thing that I became aware of, is that I didn't like myself. Not at all. Over time I would come to hate everything about myself. I hated not only my sinful acts of searching and indulging in a world of pornography, but also the liar that I was. I could see how my wife looked at me. I knew what she thought I was. I knew what my stake president and bishop thought I was. I did not live up to their expectations. I was a fraud. I hated myself. In my own eyes, I was an awful and horrible person. And so again.. I vowed I could never let them know. No one could know.
The problem with a vice like pornography is that it is rooted in Lust. And one thing that I have learned about lust is that it can never be satisfied. Over several years of secret addiction, I discovered that my lustful appetite was always hungry. It seemed that no matter what filth I fed it, it was never full.
I was thinking about this the other day and came up with the following analogy. Suppose you are hungry and decide to grab some lunch. You can choose between a lot of places to go and some places you choose will have more healthy options than others. So choosing where you want to go is critical. Lets say I choose to go to Mcdonalds. With a choice like Mcdonalds, I know my healthy choices are limited. I probably should have chosen someplace with better options but, here I am. Now, I do have a few healthy choices on the menu. I could choose a salad, or I could choose a Wrap… or I could choose a Big Mac. If I choose the Big Mac, I have made an unhealthy choice… but its only one Big Mac. Tomorrow I'll get the salad. But tomorrow when I come back, I look at the menu and think.. hmm.. that big mac was sure good yesterday… I think I'll have another one! I can have a salad tomorrow. Day after day, when faced with limited options, I return to the one I crave most even though I know deep inside that it is an awful choice. Eventually though, I realize that one Big Mac is not enough and soon I am ordering two because one just doesn't satisfy my hunger any more. Before I know it, I am standing in front of a buffet of horrible food, feasting and feasting and for some reason I am never getting full.
Lust can never be satisfied. A tiny bite of lust will leave you wanting more. Eventually it will push you to wanting things that aren't on the menu at all and before you know it, you are asking yourself, “how did I get here?” Keep in mind, it doesn't happen overnight. No one ever woke up one morning and said to themselves, “Today I am going to get hooked on pornography and later today I’ll break all of my covenants.”
Eventually that is where I found myself… trying harder and harder to feed a filthy hunger. I was trapped in a cycle that had no exit and I desperately wanted to escape. I wanted to escape from my lies, escape from my sins and escape from the inability to make better choices. At some point during the addiction process, that ability is surrendered to the adversary. The process of being ensnared in bondage is slow. Satan is patient. It was years of my life. It was too many years of day by day, chipping away at my resolve. Each new choice I made was only a centimeter farther than the one I made the day before. But centimeters add up. Those centimeter became inches and feet and yards and miles and with each tiny movement, I found myself closer and closer to hell.
My “ how did I get here” moment came too late for me. It wasn't until I had spent too many hours conjuring up too many excuses and convincing myself with even more lies that I finally found myself having ultimately broken my covenants. I had done the one thing I vowed I would never do. My self loathing,and self pity began to turn towards self destruction.
It was at this point that I began to believe that the Atonement was no longer an option for me. There would be no rescue for me. The lies of Satan now sounded like doctrine. I believed that I was a lost soul. I was so fully engulfed in my own pride and fear that I could never confess. But I knew without confession and repentance I would be cast off. So what did that leave for me?... nothing. I wanted to disappear from off the earth.
And then the miracles began. Over the course of 2 days we had several things happen that forced all of my lies and deceit to the surface. A close friend lost a child and we found ourselves discussing the eternities. During that conversation, Victoria, who was already struggling with suspicion, asked me for a blessing. I said NO. I had never denied her a blessing before. I knew, of course, that I was anything but worthy. She became concerned with no further explanation. This increased her worry.
Another friend left me a cryptic phone message sending my paranoid mind into a frenzy of conspiracy and concern. He wanted to meet with me. Every other time he had called, he and I had simply talked on the phone. I called him back and asked if we could discuss whatever it was. He insisted that we meet AND wanted to know if he could he come over today. Did he know? Have I been caught? Can I lie my way out of this? I made an excuse and put it off for a couple of days, but the freaking out had begun inside my head, and my panic grew.
And then, Victoria asked if we could go on an early morning bike ride. It was out of place and unexpected. I was supposed to go into work that day but I could see the concern and stress on her face and decided that perhaps a bike ride would be good for us so, I obliged. As we rode our bikes, I had the sense that today would be the day that it would all come out.
I look back on each of those moments as miracles. In hindsight, they were far more than coincidences. They were truly tender mercies. Those simple moments sent each of us into a place of concern. I feel like the Lord took advantage of those moments to bring everything to a head. It became the perfect environment of tension, stress and concern created to force everything to the surface.
As we rode, I tried to summon the courage to speak but old fears that had long plagued me came to mind. I believed that if I spoke the truth I would lose everything of most importance to me on that very day. So, despite the very clear impression to finally expose it all, I held my tongue and continued in my silence. I rode quietly down the path with a heavy, dark shadow hanging over me.
And so the Lord, seeing my unwillingness to talk, shifted gears and went to work on Victoria. Her ride was different than mine. She began to consider all of the things that didn't add up, all of the little details that seemed unanswered. And so, filled with courage supplied by the Lord (and a prompting that this was going to be a very hard day for her), she began asking me questions. They were questions that I no longer had the will to lie about. They were questions I so desperately wanted to answer. With each questions my resolve broke a little bit more.
On that very painful morning in January of 2014, I relented and Victoria’s life began to crumble before her as I divulged everything to her tender ears. She would tell you it was the worst day of her entire life. It was for both of us. Imagine the pain of that revelation! I know my sisters can imagine it. You can because even though your marriages are intact, you have seen so many others go through hard things like this, and it’s impossible not to imagine yourself going through it. You might imagine how much it would hurt or how painful and real it would feel. All of those crushing feelings of hurt and deceit that you can imagine, it is that X10.
All of a sudden the repercussions of my actions came flooding in. Suddenly on her face I could see the damage I had caused and the hurt I had inflicted. I had been living in a war zone but I had been selfishly fighting my battle alone. The problem is, I was losing every fight. When finally I felt beat and ready to surrender, that’s when the landmine I had been standing on exploded. Up to that point, I had convinced myself that I would be the only one damaged by this. Somehow that made so much sense in my fog filled head. My sins were mine. I had to personally pay the price for them. I had heard that anthem sung so many times over the years in my head, I had little reason to doubt it. Of course, I knew deep down that those standing closest to me… whether they knew of the battle raging on or not, couldn't escape the shrapnel that flew in every direction. There is always collateral damage. Victoria had been loyally standing right there when the bomb went off and unfortunately she was mortally wounded with soul crushing debris.
I am going to share with you a very personal part of this journey for Victoria and me, but I think it is the key to my personal recovery and to the recovery we have made as a family. The next few minutes after my confession came pouring out, were some of the hardest minutes of my life. I watched my wife literally melt into a puddle of nothingness. Her purpose, her goals, her future, her very eternity, had just been obliterated. With just a few words over a few minutes, I had shifted the weight, worry, and hopelessness that I had been carrying for years, and watched as it brutally descended on her. Her life had been shattered.
I watched helpless, as she curled up in a ball in the front seat of the car and began screaming, “This hurts too much… I can't do this… it’s more than I can handle… I want to die, God! Please let me die!” As she expressed the depth of her pain, my guilt and shame again reached a point of wanting an exit. The person I love most in all the world was suffering under the extreme hurt of my actions. I shared every painful word that she expelled in agony, “I can't do this, This hurts too much to watch her suffer for my mistakes... Please God... just let me die, so I don't have to watch her suffer.”
In the last year, I have spoken to many men both online and in group about their sexual addictions. Many of them are divorced or separated because of where their actions led them. As I have talked with some, I get the sense that while they regret their choices and the breaking of covenants, they still had a very hard time staying with their betrayed spouse. Staying meant watching their wives suffer. It was easier to separate and avoid facing a spouse broken by his sins then to work through the difficulties and pain of recovery. I loved my wife, but in that moment, All I wanted to do was to disappear forever so as to not see her suffer. In this thinking, I found myself again, falling into an old pattern of selfishness. One more time, I would think of myself first.
Several minutes passed and I finally spoke. “Victoria, What do you want me to do? I will do anything you ask of me. Do you want me to leave? What do you want me to do?” I had prepared myself for her answer. It was obvious. I will never be able to repair this. And honestly, I knew I was an addict. I knew I needed help. I did not know if I could get it under control. I had tried and failed so many times. Failure was the only answer I knew. So, I was prepared to fail again. It was all going to be over. Family, Wife, church…. I was about to lose it all.
The next few moments will forever be seared into my mind. They are the most treasured moments of my life. Victoria pulled herself together and said in a quiet voice “I can forgive you”. I was stunned. I had prepared myself for a lot of things. I knew that if my secrets were ever revealed all would come crashing down and I would have nothing left. However, I never expected those words. My tears began to flow uncontrollably. “I can forgive you Jason”, She said again, “I love you. When we got married, It was forever. So we are going to fight through this.”
That was the defining moment of this, the second half of my life. I knew the atonement existed. I knew it was real, But I believed I could never access it. I believed the lies I had heard over and over in my head that I would never qualify. “Its just out of reach for you. So shut up, keep lying, and perhaps you can make it through this life without being discovered. Then you will receive the consequences of your actions.”
I truly believed that. Can You imagine? I have spent years of my life teaching and testifying of the reality of repentance, only secretly… I felt it did not apply to me. So, to hear those words come out of her mouth… that was the beginning of my rescue. That was the light of hope I thought I would never receive. It also marked the beginning of my liberation from a bondage that I had given up looking for.
Several more minutes passed as a list of ultimatums were given and received. More and more and more questions were asked and answered and asked again. Details I swore I would take to my grave were flowing freely out of my mouth in eager answer to every concern. All the while we both continued to weep in the agony of the moment.
Somewhere in the midst of our first honest exchange in years, I had a realization. It was quite simple actually. An impression settled in. It was subtle and yet so overwhelmingly powerful. My reason for weeping shifted from my guilt and shame as I began to understand what had just taken place. Suddenly, all of the lies, the sins, the hurt, the deception...It would all come out. I would no longer be buried by the sins. The Atonement was now closer than ever before. I would finally have the opportunity to use it.
For the first time in a long time, I felt a clear sense of freedom from the chains of deceit. I knew that I no longer had to take these sins with me to my grave. I knew for the first time in my life, that I might just have the opportunity to stand before my Savior without hanging my head in shame.
Please forgive me again for my dramatic description of all of this… but its impossible to get you into the place my head was in without being a bit dramatic. I have considered it many times over the last year…. how best to describe my state of mind from the moments before my confession to the minutes after… and though this is definitely on the dramatic side, I think the following analogy is as close as I can get.
I was a dead man. I had committed the most grievous offence against both my God and my wife. This sin is only second to that of murder. Forgiveness is obtainable but only with confession. Well, I had already convinced myself that confession would never happen. It couldn’t. It would be too painful and unforgivable, too embarrassing, too difficult, and far too public. I would take my sins to my grave and reap the consequences, and so I was a dead man. Near the end, my addiction was beginning to spiral out of control. I had no bearing as to which way was north and I was tired of trying to correct course. Imprisoned in my bondage, I simply waited, secretly, for my sentance to be carried out. And just as a man sits on death row, waiting to die, I had lost all hope. And then, at the end of the long walk to the chamber, as I was about to step into the room for my sentence to be completed, the phone rang. And the governor's voice could be heard saying, “He has been granted a stay.”
This confession and recovery period was something I wanted with all of my heart but never expected to obtain. And now, finally, It could be real. Later that day, we visited with the stake president and the bishop. Within 2 weeks I had been released from my calling and a week after that, my council was held and I was excommunicated for my deeds.
Those 3 weeks were some of the most wonderful weeks of my life. I was a new man. I had shed off of myself the weight and was anxious to use the atonement. Of course the repercussions of my actions were also some of the most difficult challenges. Victoria and I have been to counseling, we attended weekly addiction recovery meetings, and have worked, and talked, and cried through some of the most painful moments of this over and over again.
This last year has been one of intensely facing every challenge head on. This tactic is not one that most utilize when trying to recover from something so hurtful and heartbreaking. But our approach has been inspired for us. Every question we take head on. Every experience we walk directly into. We have learned that our marriage is a symbiotic relationship. One alone can't do it. Only complete honesty no matter how brutal and painful it is will do.
The adversary loves our lies and secrets. If you want to remove satan from your life, the easiest way to do it is to reveal all of your secrets. He has no power or influence over you if you have nothing to hide. But secrets are the devils playground. When we are withholding something, especially from someone we love, we give the devil a way in. The adversary has a way of making us feel that our secrets should never ever be divulged...that the most horrible consequences will be had if you ever share that little secret. But secrets grow and before we know it we are covering one with another and no explanation will suffice. The devil can grab hold of those secrets as if they are handlebars on a bike and force us to turn in any direction he chooses. When we keep secrets, we give up control.. not entirely, but the chains of dishonesty are the heaviest to wear, even though they are often the easiest to shed.
I have learned about the adversary. I am learning his tools and techniques to lull us into carnal security. In learning them, I have been able to see them coming and divert my attention to safer paths. I have discovered what the process of true repentance looks like. Its so much more than a brief confession to the Lord. In reality, it often feels like physical battle or a proving ground. And it takes time to be proven. It is a long drag across the gravel… picking rocks out of scrapes and enduring the pain.
The refiners fire has a new understanding for us. My poor sweet wife never expected to have to walk through this fire. My choices placed her in the middle of it. But thank God we are walking through it together.
When I was first excommunicated, I had an odd combination of feelings. It was gratitude for the opportunity to finally and truthfully utilize the gospel as intended…. but I also felt a heavy sense of shame and embarrassment. Embarrassment that I had been released from such a prominent calling without explanation. I knew that people would begin to talk. And they did. At times it was frustrating to hear the rumors about me coming back to our ears. we wanted to believe that we were above such pettiness, but we are human, and the emotions and betrayal seemed to seep in all over again.
The hardest thing was to simply acknowledge that I was broken. I didn't like the idea of being broken. I had always appeared to be so intact. I had things together, as far as anyone knew. But part of repentance is humility and I began to not only accept that I am broken, but to come to love that I am broken.
Its a hard lesson to learn, but it’s quite obvious when you look at the big picture. We are all broken. Yes, to different degrees for sure but broken nonetheless. We have to be. It is an eternal principle. God did not send us here to be perfect. If He had, we would all be living satan’s plan right now. On the contrary, He sent us here to mess up, and sometimes in colossal ways. Why? So we could show Him we would turn to Him in our darkest hours, just like the Savior did in the Garden. This became my mantra over this last year. I am broke and that is exactly how the Savior wants me. He desires my broken heart. He needs my broken pride. When broken things mend… they tend to mend stronger than before.
This year has also been a year of service for us. We immediately began attending an Addiction recovery class. We wanted to attend one that was a specific Pornography/sex addiction class. The church only has a standard “all inclusive” class in town so we began driving an hour north each week to attend a pornography addiction class there. Attending this class was a huge humble pill for me. I was so ready to jump in, but was so out of my element. I was used to running meetings and teaching at meetings, not listening and learning from those around me. But listen and learn I did. This weekly class has become a cherished night of the week for us. Victoria attends a meeting for wives and I attend a meeting for addicts. We would see between 10 and 20 men each week. While humbling at first, I quickly began to identify with and love these good men. They are truly great men who all have a weakness that they want so badly to conquer.
I have attended meetings of every shape and size. I have met with apostles and with youth. I can tell you that I have never been to a more spiritual meeting in the church than this weekly meeting with my brothers. These men are attending freely, out of choice. They come because they have found safety and confidentiality and because they know that those in attendance are going through the same things. There words are raw and real and filled with hope and desire. It is an amazing experience.
The wives meet and discuss their own challenges. They are dealing with concerns, trust, the inevitable feeling of worthlessness and lack of confidence that comes from betrayal. Victoria will tell you the same. She can’t wait to be with those other good sisters each week.
The addiction recovery program is one of the church’s hidden gems. Everybody knows it is happening, but nobody would ever want to be seen going. Well, it is a powerful and healing place to be when fighting to overcome sin. Some day I may share my notes (I have 3 journals worth) but I think that will have to be another letter.
About 4 month into the process, we found ourselves in a position to help another couple that was struggling with similar issues. We began inviting them to the class with us. Not long after we were asked by the bishop to take another couple under our wings and encourage them to attend. Over time we have encouraged several couples to either meet with us in private or to join us at our meetings. At one point we had a total of 6 couples driving up with us from our ward to attend the class. (most were dealing with a pornography addiction not infidelity).
Victoria is my angel. She is the reason I am here today. And so here we are nearly 14 months later. We are stronger, closer, and more connected than ever before. There is hope in our lives and focus on our future. This last year has been nothing short of miraculous. The Atonement of our Savior has become a living tangible source of strength, recovery, and healing. It has been a source of strength for Andrea as well, as she has had to come to terms with who we are now as a family and a couple, and she daily considers our future, especially as we work to rebuild trust. It will be a long road. I have shattered that perfect mirror and sometimes we are doing good, just to see any reflection in it all. But, with time, it seems to be more and more usable. It will take time and we are committed to each other and to the time it takes.
We have completely turned our lives over to the Lord in a way that we hope will both strengthen us and allow us to help strengthen others. This is not the way we wanted to get where we are, but we have realized that through the trials over the last couple of years, that it’s not how you get there, only that you get there.
The most important lesson here is this….. it is never too late. You are never too far gone. I know I have a lot of battle left to fight. My sobriety has been a powerful reminder to me that with God, nothing is impossible.
For me, excommunication was a gift. It was the only course that would have put me in a position to flush it all out and return anew. I will be forever grateful for the decision of the council to take away my membership. There is a blessing in losing everything… it forces you to consider life without the things you cherish most.
With my baptism completed, I am now able to again have the gift of the holy ghost. Oh how I wish I hadn't ignored and taken it for granted. I have a chance now to prove my worthiness of his companionship and to keep it close at all times.
I want you to know that I don't feel as if I am “Fixed.” Addiction does not disappear overnight or over a year. Contrary to what people say though, I don't believe the statement “Once an addict always an addict.” I believe that the gospel offers healing. But I also know that I am gaining the strength required to push off the adversary. And I am happy to say, so far, I am winning. The good news is, I know for certainty that the Atonement is in place for me now. Should I slip... should I trip… I am not afraid to confess. I am not ashamed to be broken.
Having said that, after having the opportunity to share our story with a few locally, and seeing the way it has benefited them, we feel a calling of sorts to share our successes and failures with others who are struggling. We will wait for the Lord to direct us in that effort, but our desire to help others has to some extent overshadowed the fears of sharing something so personal. Victoria feels strongly that this letter can be a source of strength to others who may be walking this difficult path alone. So with that in mind we want you to, at your discretion, feel free to share this with those that you think may benefit from it and please, not just as a form of gossip. Men who struggle with addiction, and wives, who battle the aftermath, need to know that there are success stories out there. An addiction that escalates, does not have to mean the end of an eternal companionship. My wife is the perfect example of forgiveness, love and support. She is hurting still, and she struggles still, but she and I are both dedicated to our success.
We understand that this letter is going to come as a shock and perhaps a disappointment to you, my family. The reason for waiting the year to tell you about our struggles was for me, to first prove to myself, my father in heaven, and my wife that I could win the first year and regain my membership. Now, when we do see each other face to face again, please don’t treat us any differently. We are happy, healthy and proud of what we have accomplished this year (with the Lord’s help). We are the same people...just better.
I apologize for the length of this letter. But I wanted to be thorough. I want to end with this: If you, or your children feel inspired in any way by this letter, then I urge you to act. Act now. Do not delay repentance. Fear and Pride are the tools the adversary uses to keep us from doing what must be done. Put it out there now. Don't waste any more years of your life feeling defeated or trapped. You may be in the midst of a free fall that seems endless and out of control… but I promise you.. God has his arms out and he is ready to catch you the very second you reach for him.
I love you all. Please know I am not afraid to talk about this with any of you. Actually the opposite. If you want to know something, please call me or email me. I would prefer you get the story from my mouth then second hand.
Lastly, while we are doing great right now, please.. keep us in your prayers. We are still battling demons on all fronts.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Dear "Addi", I am completely Broken by my addiction and fear I may never completely heal...
Dear Addi,
I am an addict and I feel damaged. My actions have caused my wife and family to feel damaged. I often feel like the devastation in the wake of my sins are too much for me or anyone else to overcome. The gospel teaches that we can heal from sin. How? When? Am I and those affected by my sins too damaged to be repaired?
Signed,
Damaged and in Despair.
Addi’s Thoughts:
I think one of the most difficult parts of recovery from any addiction is to finally look at ourselves with honest eyes and admit that yes...we are broken.
Nobody wants to be looked at by others and be seen as broken, flawed, or messed up. That’s why we work so hard to put on the perfect face and to wear a mask of flawlessness. When hard times come, we will often push the hurt, pain, or guilt down deep in order to cover it from the judging eyes of those around us.
But there will come a point in each of our lives when the truth bubbles to the surface and starts to seep out. We may slip up in the use of words, forget to cover our tracks in some way, or maybe we simply crack and melt down in public. It will happen. There is just no way to keep lying, cheating, hurting, hating, concealing, and covering up forever.
At some point we break. Its in the meltdown, discovery, release, and confession that we are finally willing to admit that yes, I am broken. And you know what? Being broken is really not all that bad. In fact, some would say it is a requirement.
In my case, I had spent years in cover up mode. My day was fairly routine and even my sins became routine. If and when I chose to view pornography, I had a protocol in place. I would delete cookies, delete history, manufacture stories for why I was leaving later than expected, and lie lie lie, if questioned too deeply.
When my addiction escalated, my cover stories and lies went deeper and deeper. I found myself not only lying to my wife about how I was spending my time, but I was also lying to friends, leaders, and even myself. Somehow, in all the madness of addiction, I still saw myself as “in tact”. I was whole in my mind. Sure, I had some flaws but I could get over those on my own.. eventually… and until then… I could keep up the act. Couldn't I?
I couldn't.
Finally, I had to admit that I was not the person that I wanted others to see me as. I had to take a good long look at myself and realize that, I was broken. At first, this realization was very humbling because If I wasn't the person I had pretended to be….. then who was I? I came to think of myself as a blob of Darkness, spending my time and energy in filth and deceit. I did not believe that there was anything left to me that was redeemable.
You're going to have to forgive me now for my Lord of the Rings references but there are so many things in that story that just fit so well. Do you remember the scene where Sam was mistreating Gollum and Frodo says, ”Why do you do that? Why do Call him names and run him down?” Sam responds, “Because... because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit.” That is almost exactly how I felt about myself. I had fed myself such a constant diet of filth and garbage and lies… that I hated myself. I felt that I was worthless and unredeemable and like Gollum, who had carried the darkness and evil contained in the Ring for so many years, hiding it in a cave away from the eyes of the world….
I too had been in hiding. I too had carried the weight of hate and filth and sin and had hidden it away from the eyes of the world. Once it became exposed, I just knew that everyone could see me for the awful creature that I was. Unrepairable… filthy… broken.
And what about those closest to me? They too have become hurt and damaged from my choices. When a pipe bomb goes off, it explodes, sending pieces of metal and shrapnel in every direction. My wife has been standing so close to me for so long, that she received the full force of the blast. And in the aftermath she was not just left broken, but almost completely destroyed.
The repercussions of my choices have left her feeling unable to trust, even making her question our entire life together, She was unable to look at me without imagining x rated scenes playing out in her mind. Her testimony has been shaken and crippled. Her self worth and personal value have been decimated. Some days getting up to face the day can still be too much. It will be years before she will feel comfortable with me taking a personal phone call, reading the news on my phone, or going unattended to a meeting. All of these things come from my actions. My breaking became her breaking. My sweet angel of a wife who did nothing to bring this weight down upon her head, now struggles to pick up the broken pieces of her once perceived perfect life and she too, because of my actions, was left broken.
We all are. We’re not all broken in the same way though. There are struggles with drugs,
lust, abuse, hate, hurt, selfishness, deceit, manipulations.. and on and on. There is no end to how you and I and our fellow men have all been broken throughout this earthly experience.
But If you and I are broken, what's left for us to do except pick up the pieces and put ourselves back together?
If only it were that simple.
When serving as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I would teach others about the restoration of the gospel. My approach was to treat the gospel as if it were a perfect mirror. There was one nail in the top (representing the Savior) and 12 Nails in the bottom (representing the apostles). When the Savior was crucified, we lost the top nail and as the apostles were slain over the next several years, we lost the remainder of the nails. Without anything to hold up our perfect mirror, it fell and shattered into pieces. It was no longer perfect. So the Lord called a prophet to restore the mirror to perfection, not just put it back together.
I used to think that, like the gospel of Jesus Christ, Our Heavenly Father wanted us to be restored to perfection. I thought that somehow, through repentance, we would no longer be broken but instead, be perfectly restored by the process.
But I know now that my thinking was wrong. I will never ever be restored to a perfect flawless sinless person, at least not in this life. In fact, I'm not sure I would want to be. You see, I can never completely forget my sins. Though my Savior can cleanse me of them and they can be wiped from the book of life, I still have them as my experience and my history. They will always be there and the ramification of my sins will always be there as well. They can't just be deleted. They happened… and they are a part of me.
So unlike my analogy of the restoration of the gospel the best I can hope to do with my broken self in this life is try to put the pieces back together. Cracked, rough edges, glued together.
And that's actually ok.
There is a type of pottery that is known as Kintsugi. Its is process by which broken pots are mended with resin mixed with gold. It started When a Chinese leader, was having some of his favorite broken pots repaired. When they were returned to him, he felt that , though they were now usable, they had lost their beauty. He contracted with a couple of craftsmen to find a better way to mend the pots and still find Beauty in them. The men discovered that if they mixed gold dust into the resin, that not only did the pots become useful again, but the mended seams glistened and became a thing of beauty to look at.
The Chinese leader was thrilled with the new discovery. Since then it has become tradition to mend broken pots with gold resin. No one would think to actually use them though… for in the mending of the pots, the items became far more valuable and precious. The beauty came in the mending.
I love this process. That is what the Savior does with us. He does not seek to remake us without cracks… but instead, looks at our cracks and fills them with gold. In so doing, He not only draws attention to the fact that that weak spot is now stronger than ever before but also making it more valuable and desirable and precious.
There is a line from a song sung by Lindsey Hahn Called ‘Broken’ that comes to mind...
“No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking”
The broken parts of our lives need not be things we hide. Once they have under gone the repair process, they can become our strengths.
After all, the Lord Never said he required instant perfection from us. No, on the contrary! What He asks of us is “A broken heart…” He knows that unless we bring it to him broken, He will never have the chance to repair it.
In Alma 34 Amulek reminds us that All mankind would perish due to our lost and fallen state. ALL of us are broken. there is no repair without the savior.
“...all mankind must unavoidably perish; yea, all are hardened; yea, all are fallen and are lost, and must perish except it be through the atonement which it is expedient should be made.” (Alma 34:9)
The Lord is merciful to all who come to him. For those of us who are damaged by our own sins and those who have been damaged by the sins of others, the process of giving Him our broken pieces for repair is the same. It requires the healing balm of the Savior, the great Physician.
While writing this I discovered a song By Kenneth Cope. It says in song what I wish I knew how to say in words. I have posted the link below.
I pray for your success in healing. I pray that you will allow the Lord to piece you back together so that you too can find strength in the mending.
Addi
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Dear 'Addi', I fear my friends will desert me when I need them most.
Question:
Dear Addi,
Dear Addi,
Recently, one of my best friends inadvertently found out that I take prescription meds for depression, anxiety, and OCD. We've been friends for seven years and she's the only friend from high school I still talk to. Initially, I wasn't too worried. She grabbed my phone when I wasn't looking and saw I had looked up side effects of the drug online. She read the whole article, then handed the phone back to me without a word. In the past few weeks she hasn't spoken to me. If she can't handle knowing this much, just the tip of the iceberg, then how am I going to trust her knowing about my addiction? I feel left out and very hurt. And confused! I'm the same person she's always known. What can I do?
--Disappointed
Disappointed,
Addi's Thoughts:
Well….. Ouch… right? I mean ouch. It feels like a bit of a betrayal when a close friend casts a quick judgment and then ignores you. What I want to say is, “well, if she doesn't love you for who you are then who needs her?” But the reality is… you need her. Friends are hard to come by in the self imposed world of isolation that accompanies addiction.
I sometimes feel that the church as a whole does not know how or what to do with certain addictions. Please don't misunderstand.They do everything they know how to do. They have created support groups. They have provided us with loving priesthood leaders. They truly want us to heal through the atonement of Christ and through self mastery. All of these things are amazing and helpful in recovery.
Our Bishops and local leaders are wonderful and loving men who want to serve God and help us, but they are only human men. They do their best to teach the way the Savior would. They pray for us and listen to the spirit to guide us, but they are still just volunteers. I believe they are inspired and directed by the spirit but they have not been trained in or experienced the ways that addiction affects the addict and those closest to them.
The one thing they do know for certain is addiction, of any kind, is VERY BAD. It’s bad for our spirit, bad for our choices, bad for our self esteem, bad for our self worth, bad for our relationships, and bad for our health. That is a lot of things that are bad. The best thing to do would be to never ever fall into addiction in the first place. So, what do they do? They spend much of their time teaching the evils and repercussions of addiction.. essentially demonizing it and making sure we know that it is ‘Bad, Bad, Bad”. I don't fault this tactic. I dont want my children falling into the same vices that have controlled me for years.
Society too has trained us to see alcoholism, drug abuse, anorexia and other addictions as destructive things that weaker people fall into. Those who are strong can and will avoid those nasty unhealthy practices. Only someone who is weak or broken in some way would give into such awful things.
Sadly, there is a side effect to this. It’s that we automatically associate anyone who has fallen into those habits as ‘Bad, Bad, Bad’. So, is it any wonder that when a friend, who has never had to face the struggle of addiction personally, discovers that you or I have been fighting an addiction for much of our lives that they suddenly see us as damaged or broken?
“You take prescription drugs? No! You really shouldn't do that. You should stop!” Or, “You look at porn? That is disgusting. Can't you just stop? Just don’t do it.”
The awful truth and difficulty for you and I is that no… I can't just stop. It’s not that easy. We want to.. with all of our hearts we want to…. but it is so difficult and most un addicted people can't grasp or understand that.
The disservice that is done is that we may end up up spending more time teaching the “don'ts” and less time sharing the ways the Atonement heals and repairs and makes us whole again. I should clarify, most Bishops do teach the Atonement. It is their calling and assignment to teach of the Savior and His mission to save us all. But, it often does not become the main focus until after the sin has been confessed.
Again, I am not faulting our leaders. They only have so many tools available at their disposal and it is far better to teach people to stay away from addiction than to have to help them repent later on. But, when one who has conquered this can testify of the healing power of redemption through the atonement, there is a much more focused direction given to the rescue effort.
I have discovered that full disclosure to those closest to me has become my greatest tool for recovery. It is hard to imagine sharing your darkest secrets with someone who looks at you a certain way… and knowing they are going to look at you differently after. If she is truly a trusted friend.. one who you can cling to and cry with.. then maybe you should tell her everything and explain that you really want her to know because you love her and would like here to be a support to you through recovery. Let her know that you need her to check on you, to ask you how you're doing, to be a strength in weak moments and to cry with when the pressure and weight is too heavy to carry alone.
I firmly believe our friends are not accidental. They come into our lives to either lift us or to be lifted by us. We share hard times and hold to each other. We share joys and celebrate together. We struggle and they learn. We hurt and they serve. It is a symbiotic relationship requiring us both to be participants in order for us to grow. It may just be that she too struggles with something. You're opening up to her about you might be the exact catalyst she needs to share her own struggles.
What I know is that my friends have not run from me in my confession but instead rallied around me. I am grateful for those who know my weakness. They are my closest friends. I have shared with them my darkest pains and they, now with privileged information, go out of their way to defend and protect me. I could not be more grateful that I have chosen a small group of people to be included in my battle with the adversary.
Satan of course will continue his advance. He has amassed an army of faithful soldiers, whose only mission is to continually break you down. All he wants is to force you into submission, to be unable to handle the pressure and give in. His war continues 24/7, 365 days a year. And who do you have to go against him?
At times it may feel like it is just you.
If those are the odds, then you are doomed to fail. You have to fortify your forces. You of course need the Bishop and other Priesthood leaders. You also need loving and understanding family members. They are the second line of defense. And I know you are also surrounded with the forces of Heaven, including the Savior Himself. When you plead for their assistance, I promise you they are right next to you in the trenches.
As I said at the very beginning of this post, this addiction can be very isolating. So, if you feel you need them, I suggest you bring on yet another brigade for help...your friends. Include those you trust in the fight. With them you can strategize. With them you can confide. In them you will find strength to fight back. In so doing you will discover that you don't have to carry this heavy burden alone.
I pray you will find success and the support you need in your friends. May the Lord Bless you in your battle as well.
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