Dear 'Addi', How Can I Help My Wife Heal? Step 5, Acknowledge That She Hurts.

A Wife in Mourning.

5. Make time each day to acknowledge she hurts. Acknowledge her pain and understand that she is mourning.

I have heard the term ‘Mourning’ used a lot during the recovery process. You might think, “What in the world could she be mourning? Its not like I have died. I am right here...and I am finally free of the sins. This is something to celebrate, not to mourn!”

I have learned over the last year that there are some things she will feel the need to mourn. I have also come to realize that while I feel the weight lifted from my years of sin, she is only now discovering that I had this secret sin at all.

The truth is, her mourning is real. What does she have to mourn?

1. The loss of the marriage that she dreamed of since she was a little girl with a “prince charming” who puts her needs, her feelings, and her concerns first.
2. The memories that she thought were filled with genuine moments, but that she has since discovered were filled with lies and deceit.
3. The trust that she had grown to rely on and believe in.
4. The safety of a life free from the overwhelming fear of being manipulated.
5. The confidence she felt knowing that she was being placed first in his life, and that he thought of no one else emotionally, romantically, intimately.
6. The Priesthood in her home (if you have been excommunicated or lost your priesthood blessings), the ability to go to the temple with her husband (for the same reasons).
7. Probably one of the most difficult losses of all is the loss of those sacred, intimate moments that she thought belonged to only the 2 of you. Whether it be pornography or adultery, there is no way to get those intimate moments back.  We are taught from our youth (as LDS/Christian members) that purity before marriage is not just sought after but cherished. Those first moments of learning and sharing together in intimacy are sacred pearls. We cling to them with the knowledge that they belong to us together and no one else. So many things can be restored through the atonement, but these sacred moments are impossible to restore. If you have shared intimate moments with another or if you have  become so buried into pornography that a normal healthy sexual relationship with your spouse has been replaced by something that resembles the imaginations in your mind, then you can't turn back the time and take those things away. They exist now and they will exist forever. The loss of those sacred moments can't be reversed. Those cherished pearls have been cast into the sows’ den and the 2 of you may mourn the loss of that personal sacred celestial intimacy together for many years to come.

She will feel grief and weep over the loss of so much that she thought was real. The pain of that discovery will last much longer than the few months it took for the initial shock to dissipate.

It seems to me that it is like losing a child or a loved one. The sting at first is sharp and filled with ache. Over time, the hurt and loss softens, but the desire to have that loved one back will never fade.

She will miss all that that man meant and represented to her. She will long for the days when she didn't have to fear or worry about what he might be doing behind her back or what dark thoughts plague his mind. It is a true loss that she is learning how to cope with and, like a death, it takes time.

Acknowledge it. Recognize the struggle she is going through. Know that she is trying to hold on to some of the precious moments in the past, but now knows that some of those moments are marred with lies and deceit.

What can you do?

1. Live worthy of this new opportunity you have been given. This is sincerely a restart. Don’t take it for granted. She has chosen to stay and work things out, at great personal cost. Be grateful for that tender gift and prove you are worthy of it.
2. Remind her that although that man is dead (or hopefully, if not dead, slowly suffocating), a new man is being reborn, free of the weight and sin. With time, she will begin to see the evidence of that change. You can't help but walk lighter and taller when you are no longer carrying the heavy overwhelming burden of deceit and darkness.
3. Give her no reason to question your actions, activities, or motives. There is no way to let her look into your head to see how you are doing spiritually. You have to do your proving in a physical, watchable, discernible way. I will share a few more thoughts on this point in the next post.
4. Give her a shoulder to cry on in those moments of grief and honestly reassure her that the future can and will be better than the past.

Dear Addi, How Can I help My Wife Heal? Step 4, Honest Answers!

Honest Answers

4. Humbly Listen to and answer questions.

Let me tell you that for me, this is the hardest point of all. Why? For a couple reasons I think.

First off, it requires us to be humble.  We have become so guarded and protected by our pride and lies. It is the shield that allows us to still function even though we are riddled with guilt. Pride offers us the illusion of being normal.. even when deep down we know we are anything but. It helps us mask our behaviors and desires and allows us to be convinced that perhaps our sins are not all that bad… at least not in comparison with the other sins we see people committing. Dropping that protective shield for even a minute is difficult for those of us who have spent a lifetime behind its facade.

The other reason is fear. We are in constant fear of both the questions and the honest answers they require. We fear the questions because the very fact that our spouses need to ask them means we have done something that brings them to the surface. I still panic whenever my wife says to me…. “I was thinking of something the other day and I was hoping you would clarify it for me.” I hear those words and want to crawl into a hole. Its not because I fear the questions… or even the honest answer… but I fear how that honest answer will affect her. Will she think about this for the next few days? Will it hurt her self esteem and self worth even more to know that I still fight and battle each day to keep my thoughts clean? Will it damage the trust we have built if she thinks I am not progressing at the same speed she wants me to? 

No matter how difficult the questions and how brutally honest the answers, every one of them has to be discussed. And not just once. It may takes answering the same questions 50 times before she is ready to move past it for good. I can tell you that in the last 15 months I have answered the same questions dozens of times. I will openly admit that I still battle pride when those questions come up. But here is the truth I have discovered: honest questions and painfully honest answers will do more to heal your marriage then any other thing you can do.

1. She already knows you are broken… so why keep up the act? There is nothing to be gained here by faking that you're living in perfection.
2. She has lived the last several years believing lie after lie and now feels like a fool. When you honestly share true feelings, even painful feelings, she can at least know that it is truth and truth goes a lot farther than deceit. Truth heals.

Wive (or husbands if the roles are reversed): The question and answer process can be detrimental if it is done for the wrong reasons. Remember this is not a game of "gotcha." Here are a few things to consider as the 2 of you go through the discovery process.

1. Remember, you already know he is an addict but some of his revelations may still be sharp and painful to hear. He will be far more open to share if you receive it with kindness. Do your best not to act offended or surprised when he begins to reveal to you the details of his addiction.
2. Help him feel safe enough to share. He has hidden these things for years because he is ashamed. He wants to get better. He needs help and you help. But if his confessions are met with disgust and anger, he may retract instead of opening up.
3. Don't ask about the gory details. I know you want to know everything but remember.. every detail is added weight that moves off of him and presses down on you. With it comes thoughts, imaginations, and a new wave of pain. Decide what you need to know and what you can live without knowing.  The goal is to heal, not to write a gossip column. To alleviate the weight, only ask for those things that give you the clarification you need. Remember, if he is willing to talk about this with you at all, it means he is trying to change and repent. Don't force him to drudge up thoughts and memories that require him to relive his sin over and over.  Don't let the details pull you down like the anchor they are. Once you have learned them you can never unlearn them. They become new memories that haunt your marriage.

Husbands (or wives if the roles are reversed): Don't use this as an opportunity to be a jerk. It is hard to have to relive the sins of your past over and over again, but your spouse is going through a trauma that she didn't ask for. You must try with all your might not to become prideful, angry, or mean. I know it's easy to sit back and say, "I would never treat my wife that way," but I can tell you that for some reason, we turn into that which we despise when we feel backed into a corner. I'm not sure exactly why a series of questions such as these could make one feel backed into a corner, but that seems to be the emotion I have experienced throughout this process. Be kind. Be gentle. Remember, she is hopefully not trying to “Catch You” or blame you. The time for that is passed… at least it is if you have already confessed and are trying to live an honest, sin free life.  What she is trying to do is simply understand. 

This is tough because there is no amount of explaining that you can do that will ever completely make things clear for her. The pieces will never fit exactly into place in her mind. And truthfully, they shouldn't. Nothing about this makes sense. Both the addiction and the recovery are madness. Here is the thing to remember most of all: If you are intent on saving your marriage, it's time to give up the selfish routine. Every moment of the last umpteen years, my addiction has been about me. The recovery, even though it has multiple parts and affects both you and her and your family and others, must be focused on her needs. Before it was 90% about you and 10% about her. Now it needs to be at least 60% about her, and pride has no place in those kind of ratios.

Dear Addi, How Can I help My wife Heal? Step 3, Get Into the Game!

Get Into The Game!

3. Be Engaged in the process

When I was in Middle school, I was an awkward dorky kid and I had no athletic skills whatsoever. I felt out of place and unequipped to participate. I eventually figured out that if I just played near the edge of the field, that no one would pay me any attention and the game would simply go on around me. I would hide in plain sight, never wanting to face my biggest fear of all… playing the game.

During the last 15 months in my recovery process, I have met some amazing men working through the pornography addiction recovery course. I have heard many of their stories and seen them go through many phases of the process. I have a great deal of respect for these men for simply showing up at all. They have taken a step onto the field of play. 

However, every once in a while a brother will come through who you can tell is only there because they were drug there by their wife. They are not excited to be in the game at all and would prefer to simply stay on the sidelines.

One such Brother came for several weeks and each week simply ‘Passed’, when given the opportunity to share in group. He seemed distracted while group was going on. I often caught him playing video games on his phone, sketching pictures, or texting. It seemed very disrespectful to the others and it was obvious he didn't want to be there. Over time I got to know the brother and his wife. I eventually asked him if he felt he was getting anything out of group. He said, “No. Not Really. I'm not ready to give up my addiction yet. I just go because my wife yells at me if I don't and it's easier to just go then to fight.” I watched him after group each week as he would meet his wife in the parking lot and could see the look of hope on her face that perhaps today he heard something that would inspire him to engage in the process. But, up to that point, he hadn't. He seemed sad, depressed and generally negative. He put zero effort into his recovery and she could see it.  

Its time to play the game. Do not be a side-liner. 

After a few games, on my middle school team, one of the older boys pointed out an area of field that he wanted me to be responsible for. He said, “If the ball comes into this area, its yours.”. I was petrified. I spent most of my time hoping it never came near me. Eventually I learned that if it did come into my zone, it was easy enough to kick it on to the person in the zone next to me. On one occasion the ball came into my zone and I immediately passed it on to the adjacent zone, hoping that the more experienced player would know what to do with it. It rolled into his area and then to a stop. My teammate was no where to be found. He had gone to block for me. He hoped that I would follow the ball and continue on toward the goal. But in my mind, I had done my job. I had covered MY zone. Could he really expect me to cover his too? Needless to say, the opposing team got the ball and returned it for a goal. I was chastised and reminded after the play that, this was a team sport and that we have to be willing to back each other up when needed.

Another way we sit on the sidelines is to assume you have done your part and the rest is up to your wife. I know this sounds callous. How could anyone treat their spouse this way after all the damage we have caused? It does happen though and is an easy trap to fall into. The problem is, we are really fighting two separate battles. His is a battle to overcome sin and fight off the demons that pull him into a world of filth. Hers is to piece back together her life and try to find a way to both forgive and continue to live with, this new knowledge. 

The other difficulty is that each battle has a different definition for success. Your success comes when you feel a sense of control over your life. You see a long stretch of sobriety as winning the war and start to feel like you can conquer your demons. Her success however is based on whether or not she can overcome the pain of your revelations and your weaknesses. Can she learn to cope with this new knowledge? Can she trust you again? She will undoubtedly have a longer battle to fight before she sees the the victories. 

Simply because he is doing well at defending his zone, doesn't  mean she is always successfully defending hers. Our victories do not always happen at the same time. We can not simply sit back and enjoy our spoils while our wives are in the midst of an epic onslaught. The ball is still in play and it still needs our attention. Remember, this is a team sport. It requires both of you to overcome the opponent.

Unlike my middle school experience, this game will come to an end. Those who either don’t get engaged or are satisfied that their job is done, will eventually be defeated.  The truth is, you, the husband, are the MVP of the game. You are the only one who can make the critical plays to move the ball in the right direction. If you never get engaged or only engage in your zone of the field, the game will come to an end and you will be left on the side line.

Dear Addi, How can I help My Wife Heal? Step 2, Take Responsibility!

'Take Responsibility'

2 - Take responsibility. Don't make excuses.

Kent Crockett shared the following story in his book ‘The 911 Handbook’.

One day when my son Scott was two years old, I heard him crying.  I went into his room and my daughter Hannah, who was four, was there also.  A plastic bat was lying on the floor.  

     "What happened to Scott?" I asked.

        Hannah answered, "He hit his head."

        "On what?"

        She pointed toward the bat on the floor and said, "The bat."

        "Where was the bat?"  

        She said, "In my hand."

We learn the Blame-It-On-Someone-Else Method at such an early age.

I once had a dear friend confess to me that over the course of several months he had met with a handful of women privately for secret late night rendezvous. This happened as his wife slept. “My wife”, he said, “has a debilitating disease and we have not been intimate in several years. She has denied me intimacy for so long. I was just looking for a way to fill that gap in my life” This was the basis for his decision to meet with strangers for sexual favors.

Another friend, after having been caught in an affair and excommunicated for his sins, told his wife that “I am tired of trying to live up to your image of what you think I should be.  Maybe if you weren't pushing me so hard I wouldn't have had the affair.”

In both cases, the men  were quick to offer excuses for their actions. The knee jerk response was to somehow shift the blame to something their wife either did or didn't do.   Passing blame is the perfect way for us to shift some of the weight and guilt for our choices. But there is no question that these flimsy excuses won't hold up in front of a council. No bishop will listen to such excuses and say, “You know what, you’re right, she is kind of bossy.  You are justified in  lusting after another.”  They would never do that.  No matter how difficult or perilous one’s marriage or family life is, only we can take ownership for our choices.

Don’t fall into the trap of the blame game. It will only break down lines of communication and make it impossible to move past current hurts onto healing. Take a step back and look to see who is the one crying and who is the one holding the bat.

A few months back I had a ‘slip’. I broke one of my personal rules and stayed up too late alone. It led to viewing a program that had far too many triggers in it. Those triggers eventually led to viewing pornography. This ‘slip’ devastated my wife. After more than a year of sobriety, she was suddenly faced again with the questions “Am I safe in this relationship? Is he going to be true? Is he going to have another affair?”. You might think it extreme to jump to such thoughts immediately after a year of sobriety, however, she knows that my addiction led me far beyond looking at pornography and into an affair that nearly destroyed our family. So a slip to her is only inches from a full blown affair.  At the time, I was feeling guilty and ashamed and I felt that her response was an over reaction. I let her know so. For the following weeks she was far more observant of my comings and going and would sometimes hourly ask me how I was doing that day. ‘Did I feel strong?’ I allowed myself to get prideful and take offense. I began to think, “Hadn't I just proved my dedication with a year of sobriety? Hadn't I earned a small level of trust? One slip up was not the end of the world was it?”. At one point I pushed it back on her. “Stop asking me if I feel strong or if I feel ok”, I would say, “Its as if you are saying ‘I Don't Trust YOU!’, and I hate that.”

In this moment I took her need to feel safe and her genuine concern for me and meshed it with the shame and the guilt of my own failure. I then turned it around on her. I wanted her to stop asking. Not because I was worried about her level of trust, but because it made ‘ME’ feel guilty about ‘MY’ mistakes. And so, I went out of my way to make ‘her’ feel guilty for asking at all. Did I feel guilty?, Yes! Did I know she had problems trusting me?, Yes. But I made my guilt… hers. Even after putting weeks of space between the sin and the present, She still felt in danger.

As we, the offender, begin to heal from our sins and feel the forgiveness that comes through the atonement of Christ, we can become comfortable and slowly start to slip back into what feels like a “normal life”.In this new place of feeling forgiven, we may choose to act out in what we think of as a ‘Righteous pride’, and begin to blame her for ‘making us relive the sins of our past’ or ‘ Wanting to rehash old sins instead of focusing on the repented person we are’. Its easy to, even after months in recovery, somehow make them feel guilty for not recovering quickly enough from the crime that WE committed.

Again, we need to ask ourselves, who is the one holding the bat.

We can go a long way to helping our loved ones heal by simply accepting responsibility. Confess it all. Leave nothing in hiding. Answer every question, and above all… beware of pride. Pointing fingers or making excuses is a recipe for failure.

Dear 'Addi', How Can I help My Wife Heal? Step 1, Recognize the Repercussions!

DEAR ADDI

How can I help my wife heal? Step 1

It has been several months since I confessed to my wife about my pornography addiction that led to an affair. We have chosen to work through this and save our family. With the passing of time we have had many good days, however, she still weeps in pain several times a week. I am trying to to prove I can be trusted, but she still hesitates when I leave the home or look at my phone. I know this is a long process, but what more can I do? Please, help me to help her heal.

Signed,
Desperate for her to be whole

Dear Desperate,

I applaud you for your willingness to help your wife heal. I hate to say it but,  I think you are the exception rather than the rule.  I’ve talked to and read about many couples in a similar situation where it, more often than not, seems that once the husband has confessed his sins, he simply leaves his wife to heal on her own.  This happens, I think, because as an addict, we live our lives in this self centered world of indulgence. Just like the trained circus lion, when the craving came and cracked its whip, we responded, ready to  jump through the ring of fire.  It tries to control our actions and, conditioned as we are, we dutifully obey.

Furthermore, our obedience to our lustful desires has, over time, decreased our ability to feel empathy or concern for others. It is a singular focus and for those filthy moments of indulgence, we are a slave to the drug, blocking all others out until the fix is complete.  After years of selfishly responding to the crack of the whip, is it any wonder we have a difficult time placing anyone else's needs before ours?

When the offender is finally on the road to recovery and his own burden of sin is lifted, he will feel a sudden and immediate release from the cage of guilt and sin. He will proclaim his freedom from the adversary and with joy look forward to a life free from the clutches of Satan, followed by a desire to return to a normal life.

But what of his spouse? Only weeks before she thought her marriage was complete and whole. She believed the man she clung to for strength, protection, and guidance, was being faithful and true. Now,  she is left struggling to pick up the pieces of her shattered life.  But he, in his habit of selfishness, simply wants to move forward, putting his painful past behind him and in most cases, never wants to speak of it again.

This, I believe, will sound familiar to many who read this post.

Now, lets talk about what we can do to heal. First of all, we need to dispel the idea that you can, of yourself, do anything that will heal your wife. You must accept it up front: you can't fix this, not on your own.  The healing that takes place must involve all three members of your marriage: you, your wife, and your Father in Heaven. Leaving any one element out of the process will either destroy your chances of success or make for a longer and much more painful process.

I offer the following suggestions.  Please be aware that I have come up with these suggestions through my learning at the school of hard knocks.  It has been through much trial and error that I have learned what works for my wife and marriage. These suggestions may or may not be helpful for you and your spouse...they are just things that seem to work for us.  Here is the first suggestion:  (The remainder will come in subsequent posts)

1 - Recognize the repercussions of your choices.

*Note:  These are the repercussions that I have seen in my wife.  They may not apply to every spouse.

Have you ever tried to clean a lawn mower with a pressure washer? The bottom of a lawn mower is curved in such a way that as you spray it with the powerful jet of water, rather than watching the clumps of grass and dirt slip away, they often rebound and splatter in every direction. I found once after attempting to clean my mower in this way, that while the machine ended up pristine, I walked away covered in filth and grass and grease.  Confession to your spouse might be considered in this light. While you may have felt a cleansing and lifting of the stains of sin, she is now covered in the dirty over spray of your confession.

Confession is messy. There is no perfectly imagined scenario that shields a loved one from the pain that it brings. But it is essential. For years you have secretly participated in your private addiction that led to either the actual or virtual breaking of your covenants. For years she has obliviously thought that nothing is wrong. Finally, you choose to confess and purge your soul of all the filth and guilt that has been stored deep inside, hoping to rescue yourself and your marriage in the process. If your wife chooses to forgive you and work through the issues, then you need to stand back and take a good look at what the aftermath of your confession looks like. As you release yourself from the filth of sin (which we know is a GOOD thing and necessary), your wife is suddenly weighed down with the reality of what has been going on in your life.

She will begin to question what was real. She will question her memories, special moments, spontaneous gestures, and anything prior to the revelation. This is OK… it has to be done. There is no moving forward without reconciling the past. This will take time. Your humble willingness to go through the process with her will soften the pain and reassure her in time of doubt.

She will assume that she has done something wrong. And who wouldn't? Life is smoothly moving forward with little to no sign of rocky ground when suddenly, the revelation of  deceit, depravity, or infidelity is shared. She is thrown off kilter and her first response will be to assign blame. Logically, she knows the blame lies with you, but emotionally, she wants to affix it to herself. No amount of explaining will ever wipe the idea out of her mind that she is not to blame. You will have to reassure her frequently that she did not cause this.

She will lose every sense of self worth and question her own identity. This is such a hard thing to watch a loved one go through, especially when YOU are the reason they have to go through it. But she has been stripped of the rudder that steered her ship. Her Identity had become tied to you and your unconditional love for her. Now she searches for that sense of safety that was found in the knowledge of fidelity.

She will question her weight, clothing, and appearance.  I know that many women struggle with the way they look (especially after they have had a few children.) Suddenly struck with the knowledge that, "My husband would rather look at porn or other women than me," consider the blow that that realization does to her already fragile psyche. She will think she is old, ugly and fat. Daily loving reminders of her beauty will go a long way to reassuring her that she is truly gorgeous in your eyes.

She will see a threat in women on TV, in magazines, and in public. Suddenly every women in a tight skirt or low cut blouse is the enemy. She will begin to see them as attacking her family. They are a threat to her marriage, her husband's soul, and her eternity.  She will begin to despise their open airing of their body parts, even though they are completely unaware of any offense to her. She will begin to hate them as they flaunt their sexuality in a way that feels like a personal and pointed attack. (Women in yoga pants severely trigger my wife as she knows that they severely trigger me.)

She will carry the hurt and heaviness of worthlessness, betrayal, and humiliation. She is going to feel like a fool. She will think, “How could this have been going on under my nose and I didn't notice?” Of course she will feel betrayed. Her husband, confidant, and secret keeper has been living a double life.  She will be overwhelmed with this new knowledge. She will eventually be able to sort most of it out and come to an understanding, but it will take time. which means you will need patience.

She will begin to question her Heavenly father's presence in her life. For me, this has been the most painful thing to watch. She has spent her life feeling comforted, protected and watched over by Her Father in heaven whom she has learned to trust, and yet for some reason, He chose not to warn her of her husband's addiction that would escalate into a battle to save her eternal marriage. Though she understands that God cannot step in and change or alter our decisions and the way they will affect others, She now struggles to trust her impressions. She questions whether they are divinely given, manufactured out of a worried mind, or the devices of the adversary.

She will hurt and ache and even at times, want to die. Even as time passes and you are able to prove to her your willingness to do whatever is needed to preserve your family, she will still at times be pulled back into those dark memories of first learning about the betrayal done to her. She will re-live that pain and in so doing revert back to those painful feelings of being lost and alone. The ache runs so much deeper than we could possibly understand and may bubble to the surface and overflow unexpectedly. Again, a loving patient husband who puts her needs first will go a long way to reminding her of the changes that have taken place and the safe place she is in now.

She will allow her imaginations to conjure up scenes of infidelity and betrayal that will plague her dreams. She will have a difficult time not imagining the most hurtful parts of your betrayal. She will on her own, conjure up the illicit images you have viewed, videos you have watched, or encounters you have had. These images and scenes will haunt her. It will become her personal battle to fight them off and keep them from creeping into her thoughts, even in the most spiritual of places and occasions.

Don't assume that since your sins are in the process of being forgiven, that she is clear of the over spray. She is now in Satan’s direct line of fire. He will see her weakness and he will exploit her insecurities.

I want to be clear.  DO NOT delay confession for fear of hurting your spouse.  You are doing far worse damage by staying silent and not ridding yourself (and ultimately her) of this addiction.
Consider how much easier it will be on your spouse to confess a pornography addiction then to put off confession until your addiction escalates to adultery with all of the repercussions that come with it.  Oh how I wish I would have confessed earlier.  It would have saved my wife so much pain.

Stay tuned for step two.

Dear Addi: "How do I tell my family about my addiction?"

Okay, so this is a question I have asked myself for the last 13 months. I wanted to tell them but I was afraid of how to go about it. I finally summoned the courage to send each of my siblings a letter that laid it all out. I hoped that they would be understanding and compassionate...not judgemental. Please know that I understand that it is not always wise to tell your story to your extended family. Some of them may not be in a place that they can receive it without damage to themselves or to your relationship with them. It took me 13 months to feel ready. For some of you, it may be years...and that's okay.

So, to answer my own question of "How do I tell my family about my addiction?"...here is the letter I wrote to my family.

Dear Family,

I've been contemplating writing this letter for more than a year now. I probably should be calling each of you and explaining all of this in person but I feel much better equipped to do this in writing. This started out as a letter, but somehow morphed into a sort of essay along the way. I liked the way it felt to write it like this, so I just went with it. This is a very direct look at the last several years of my life. It is a part of me I have hidden from everyone, even my wife. I know I am prone to joking, but I want you to know that every part of what I am about to share with you is true. Here goes…

Two weeks ago yesterday was my Baptism. 2 weeks ago Saturday at 2:30, I and a very small group of people met at the stake center so that I could receive this ordinance for the second time in my life. I recognize that this is an unexpected statement to hear without context. So please bear with me as I explain how I found myself in need of this ordinance again.

The short answer is this: I made a series of bad choices that eventually led me to being unfaithful to my wife. (That last sentence may be the hardest sentence in this whole letter for me to write). How in the world could I have ever let that happen? How could I have let my guard down so completely to the point that I found myself doing the one thing… the only thing… I swore I would never ever do to her? Unfortunately the answer is long… and I don't intend to go into all the details but a few things need to be known.

Victoria and I have had a perfect and wonderful marriage. There has never been a fight or argument that did not get resolved within minutes. We compliment and balance each other. We counsel together on financial and family concerns and have a fun and happy life together. So please know that my mistaken choices had nothing at all to do with home life, love life or lack thereof. Life together with Victoria has been blissful.

Victoria Is my hero. She is my rescuer. She has created a place in her heart to find and fight for forgiveness and in doing so, has made it possible for me to access the Atonement for myself. She is the reason we are working through this most difficult year in the way we are. And it has been a difficult year. We have been under an almost constant attack by the adversary as we have fought to put the pieces of our life back together. There are not enough words to pay tribute to her courage and willingness to fight not only for our family, but for my very soul. Please forgive me if this sounds like one of ‘Jason’s over dramatic exaggerations’… it may sound that way.. but it was a very real battle and my soul was truly in the balance.

I have always had and continue to have a testimony of the Savior, His Atonement, and of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, at some point, the rod of iron slipped from between my fingers and I found myself lulled into the mists of darkness.

You may be asking yourself, “If his marriage was in good order and his testimony was intact, how did he find himself willing to make choices that would both break his covenants and possibly destroy his family?” You wouldn't be alone in that question. I must have asked myself that question a million times only not about myself but about Dad.

I, like you, have considered over the years how different things might have been had it not been for some of the choices Dad made. I spoke to dad about this recently. I confessed to him that for most of my life I had been angry at him and had judged him harshly for being too weak in the face of temptation. He knows a bit about my situation and now I know a lot more about his. I realized that I needed to apologize to him for the feelings I had been carrying for years and years .And even though neither he nor I have a full picture of the path each other has traveled to get to where we are now (or to where he was), I am finally able to understand a bit of what he was struggling with when he made those choices. But the truth is, because of his example, I decided that no matter what, I was never going to betray my wife. I was never going to hurt her that way...I was never going to be unfaithful. And then… I was.

My purpose for writing this letter is two- fold. First, to let you know of the battle we have been fighting this year to regain our family. And second, to warn you, and if you see fit, your children, of the dangers of playing with fire… even a little bit.

And now for the long explanation….My downfall, quite simply put, was pornograghy. At some point, in the past several years, I found myself online where I didn't belong. Whether it was by mistake, or by following a link that I should have ignored…. I got there. For one moment I let my guard down. For one moment I decided that it would not be so bad to look ‘just this one time’. I thought to myself that, ‘Its not like one short look is going to plunge me deep into a life of sin.’ So one time, for one moment, I let my guard down, and I looked and only for a few minutes. But during those few minutes a chemical reaction took place in my brain. With it, my brain recorded both the images and the feelings that viewing this site made me feel. After several minutes I began to also feel guilty and ashamed. So I turned it off, vowing to never give in again.

Not too many days had passed, when again I found myself at that crossroad. This time however, a battled ensued. I recalled how guilty I felt after my last encounter and at the same time, I was able to retrieve the recording and with it the feeling of excitement and a craving to look again. This time I found myself rationalizing that ‘Last time I only looked for a few minutes and I was easily able to shut it off. Certainly I would have that same strength again this time.’ And so I again gave in.

From that time on. I found myself struggling weekly as to whether or not I should engage in my new habit. It was a hard time for me because at the same time I was struggling with this vice, I was also living a lie in front of my family and friends. I wanted so badly to be the good husband, father, priesthood holder and leader that they saw me as. I knew that I needed to rid myself of this perversion and confess my sins but I feared the outcome of such a confession. My rationalization went something like this, “if you confess to the Bishop then you will be put on discipline and everyone will know. You will get released and everyone will ask why. Your wife will be so disgusted with your filthy habit that she will leave you. She will think she did something wrong.” So, I said and did nothing and vowed to fight this alone and never tell anyone. Not until I had it under control. Then I would repent later, once I have mastered it.”

It's interesting the way Satan fools us into thinking his thoughts are ours. I have learned that Satan does not put impressions into our minds using a deep bassy Satanic voice. On the contrary… when Satan places impressions in our heads, they sound an awful like us. They even feel like our own thoughts. In using this technique, he is able to trick us into believing his words as if they are our own. And I bought them completely. You may say…. ‘but those are such simple arguments.. and so flimsy… why couldn't you see through them?’ The answer is because I was already deep into the fog of addiction by this time and when you are in the fog, it’s just so hard to really see clearly. Our decisions and actions seem rational and understandable when in reality, they are anything but.

With a determination not to tell and a desire to stop my habit, I went to war on my own. Over the next few months I would win for a few weeks and then lose and then win and then lose...over and over again. One of the adversary’s greatest and most convincing lies is this: “You are strong enough to do this alone. No one need ever know that you have this weakness. You can conquer this by yourself.” And since this habit is so embarrassing, I wanted to believe those thoughts. It’s a deception though, because despite what the world wants us to believe about self empowerment and personal strength to overcome anything on our own, God’s plan was never designed to be a journey of solitude and self perfection. In fact, one evidence of this is presented in the Garden as the Savior knelt to pray. Knowing that He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and seeing that He alone had to pay the price for all of our sins, He still looked to his Father and asked for help. He called upon God 3 times and asked him to “Take this cup from Him” if it be His will. And then, in the midst of His agony and under the weight of the task, He was visited and strengthened by an Angel so that He could endure and complete the Atonement for all. Even the most perfect man who ever lived, sought help to overcome.

Unfortunately pride, fear, and self deception, kept me from seeking the same. My inability to overcome sent me spiraling over and over again to my addiction. Eventually after so many failed attempts, I gave up trying and decided it had beat me. I allowed myself to succumb to the hunger and fell deeper and farther into a horrible place filled with filth. I continued to live a double life, playing the part of the righteous man on the one hand, and living in my secret cesspool on the other.

It is hard to explain what living in this kind of a state does to you. First and foremost your entire life has become a lie. You must lie daily to cover up your actions, thoughts, and desires. Every move becomes calculated. The second thing that I became aware of, is that I didn't like myself. Not at all. Over time I would come to hate everything about myself. I hated not only my sinful acts of searching and indulging in a world of pornography, but also the liar that I was. I could see how my wife looked at me. I knew what she thought I was. I knew what my stake president and bishop thought I was. I did not live up to their expectations. I was a fraud. I hated myself. In my own eyes, I was an awful and horrible person. And so again.. I vowed I could never let them know. No one could know.

The problem with a vice like pornography is that it is rooted in Lust. And one thing that I have learned about lust is that it can never be satisfied. Over several years of secret addiction, I discovered that my lustful appetite was always hungry. It seemed that no matter what filth I fed it, it was never full.

I was thinking about this the other day and came up with the following analogy. Suppose you are hungry and decide to grab some lunch. You can choose between a lot of places to go and some places you choose will have more healthy options than others. So choosing where you want to go is critical. Lets say I choose to go to Mcdonalds. With a choice like Mcdonalds, I know my healthy choices are limited. I probably should have chosen someplace with better options but, here I am. Now, I do have a few healthy choices on the menu. I could choose a salad, or I could choose a Wrap… or I could choose a Big Mac. If I choose the Big Mac, I have made an unhealthy choice… but its only one Big Mac. Tomorrow I'll get the salad. But tomorrow when I come back, I look at the menu and think.. hmm.. that big mac was sure good yesterday… I think I'll have another one! I can have a salad tomorrow. Day after day, when faced with limited options, I return to the one I crave most even though I know deep inside that it is an awful choice. Eventually though, I realize that one Big Mac is not enough and soon I am ordering two because one just doesn't satisfy my hunger any more. Before I know it, I am standing in front of a buffet of horrible food, feasting and feasting and for some reason I am never getting full.

Lust can never be satisfied. A tiny bite of lust will leave you wanting more. Eventually it will push you to wanting things that aren't on the menu at all and before you know it, you are asking yourself, “how did I get here?” Keep in mind, it doesn't happen overnight. No one ever woke up one morning and said to themselves, “Today I am going to get hooked on pornography and later today I’ll break all of my covenants.”

Eventually that is where I found myself… trying harder and harder to feed a filthy hunger. I was trapped in a cycle that had no exit and I desperately wanted to escape. I wanted to escape from my lies, escape from my sins and escape from the inability to make better choices. At some point during the addiction process, that ability is surrendered to the adversary. The process of being ensnared in bondage is slow. Satan is patient. It was years of my life. It was too many years of day by day, chipping away at my resolve. Each new choice I made was only a centimeter farther than the one I made the day before. But centimeters add up. Those centimeter became inches and feet and yards and miles and with each tiny movement, I found myself closer and closer to hell.

My “ how did I get here” moment came too late for me. It wasn't until I had spent too many hours conjuring up too many excuses and convincing myself with even more lies that I finally found myself having ultimately broken my covenants. I had done the one thing I vowed I would never do. My self loathing,and self pity began to turn towards self destruction.

It was at this point that I began to believe that the Atonement was no longer an option for me. There would be no rescue for me. The lies of Satan now sounded like doctrine. I believed that I was a lost soul. I was so fully engulfed in my own pride and fear that I could never confess. But I knew without confession and repentance I would be cast off. So what did that leave for me?... nothing. I wanted to disappear from off the earth.

And then the miracles began. Over the course of 2 days we had several things happen that forced all of my lies and deceit to the surface. A close friend lost a child and we found ourselves discussing the eternities. During that conversation, Victoria, who was already struggling with suspicion, asked me for a blessing. I said NO. I had never denied her a blessing before. I knew, of course, that I was anything but worthy. She became concerned with no further explanation. This increased her worry.

Another friend left me a cryptic phone message sending my paranoid mind into a frenzy of conspiracy and concern. He wanted to meet with me. Every other time he had called, he and I had simply talked on the phone. I called him back and asked if we could discuss whatever it was. He insisted that we meet AND wanted to know if he could he come over today. Did he know? Have I been caught? Can I lie my way out of this? I made an excuse and put it off for a couple of days, but the freaking out had begun inside my head, and my panic grew.

And then, Victoria asked if we could go on an early morning bike ride. It was out of place and unexpected. I was supposed to go into work that day but I could see the concern and stress on her face and decided that perhaps a bike ride would be good for us so, I obliged. As we rode our bikes, I had the sense that today would be the day that it would all come out.

I look back on each of those moments as miracles. In hindsight, they were far more than coincidences. They were truly tender mercies. Those simple moments sent each of us into a place of concern. I feel like the Lord took advantage of those moments to bring everything to a head. It became the perfect environment of tension, stress and concern created to force everything to the surface.

As we rode, I tried to summon the courage to speak but old fears that had long plagued me came to mind. I believed that if I spoke the truth I would lose everything of most importance to me on that very day. So, despite the very clear impression to finally expose it all, I held my tongue and continued in my silence. I rode quietly down the path with a heavy, dark shadow hanging over me.

And so the Lord, seeing my unwillingness to talk, shifted gears and went to work on Victoria. Her ride was different than mine. She began to consider all of the things that didn't add up, all of the little details that seemed unanswered. And so, filled with courage supplied by the Lord (and a prompting that this was going to be a very hard day for her), she began asking me questions. They were questions that I no longer had the will to lie about. They were questions I so desperately wanted to answer. With each questions my resolve broke a little bit more.

On that very painful morning in January of 2014, I relented and Victoria’s life began to crumble before her as I divulged everything to her tender ears. She would tell you it was the worst day of her entire life. It was for both of us. Imagine the pain of that revelation! I know my sisters can imagine it. You can because even though your marriages are intact, you have seen so many others go through hard things like this, and it’s impossible not to imagine yourself going through it. You might imagine how much it would hurt or how painful and real it would feel. All of those crushing feelings of hurt and deceit that you can imagine, it is that X10.

All of a sudden the repercussions of my actions came flooding in. Suddenly on her face I could see the damage I had caused and the hurt I had inflicted. I had been living in a war zone but I had been selfishly fighting my battle alone. The problem is, I was losing every fight. When finally I felt beat and ready to surrender, that’s when the landmine I had been standing on exploded. Up to that point, I had convinced myself that I would be the only one damaged by this. Somehow that made so much sense in my fog filled head. My sins were mine. I had to personally pay the price for them. I had heard that anthem sung so many times over the years in my head, I had little reason to doubt it. Of course, I knew deep down that those standing closest to me… whether they knew of the battle raging on or not, couldn't escape the shrapnel that flew in every direction. There is always collateral damage. Victoria had been loyally standing right there when the bomb went off and unfortunately she was mortally wounded with soul crushing debris.

I am going to share with you a very personal part of this journey for Victoria and me, but I think it is the key to my personal recovery and to the recovery we have made as a family. The next few minutes after my confession came pouring out, were some of the hardest minutes of my life. I watched my wife literally melt into a puddle of nothingness. Her purpose, her goals, her future, her very eternity, had just been obliterated. With just a few words over a few minutes, I had shifted the weight, worry, and hopelessness that I had been carrying for years, and watched as it brutally descended on her. Her life had been shattered.

I watched helpless, as she curled up in a ball in the front seat of the car and began screaming, “This hurts too much… I can't do this… it’s more than I can handle… I want to die, God! Please let me die!” As she expressed the depth of her pain, my guilt and shame again reached a point of wanting an exit. The person I love most in all the world was suffering under the extreme hurt of my actions. I shared every painful word that she expelled in agony, “I can't do this, This hurts too much to watch her suffer for my mistakes... Please God... just let me die, so I don't have to watch her suffer.”

In the last year, I have spoken to many men both online and in group about their sexual addictions. Many of them are divorced or separated because of where their actions led them. As I have talked with some, I get the sense that while they regret their choices and the breaking of covenants, they still had a very hard time staying with their betrayed spouse. Staying meant watching their wives suffer. It was easier to separate and avoid facing a spouse broken by his sins then to work through the difficulties and pain of recovery. I loved my wife, but in that moment, All I wanted to do was to disappear forever so as to not see her suffer. In this thinking, I found myself again, falling into an old pattern of selfishness. One more time, I would think of myself first.

Several minutes passed and I finally spoke. “Victoria, What do you want me to do? I will do anything you ask of me. Do you want me to leave? What do you want me to do?” I had prepared myself for her answer. It was obvious. I will never be able to repair this. And honestly, I knew I was an addict. I knew I needed help. I did not know if I could get it under control. I had tried and failed so many times. Failure was the only answer I knew. So, I was prepared to fail again. It was all going to be over. Family, Wife, church…. I was about to lose it all.

The next few moments will forever be seared into my mind. They are the most treasured moments of my life. Victoria pulled herself together and said in a quiet voice “I can forgive you”. I was stunned. I had prepared myself for a lot of things. I knew that if my secrets were ever revealed all would come crashing down and I would have nothing left. However, I never expected those words. My tears began to flow uncontrollably. “I can forgive you Jason”, She said again, “I love you. When we got married, It was forever. So we are going to fight through this.”

That was the defining moment of this, the second half of my life. I knew the atonement existed. I knew it was real, But I believed I could never access it. I believed the lies I had heard over and over in my head that I would never qualify. “Its just out of reach for you. So shut up, keep lying, and perhaps you can make it through this life without being discovered. Then you will receive the consequences of your actions.”

I truly believed that. Can You imagine? I have spent years of my life teaching and testifying of the reality of repentance, only secretly… I felt it did not apply to me. So, to hear those words come out of her mouth… that was the beginning of my rescue. That was the light of hope I thought I would never receive. It also marked the beginning of my liberation from a bondage that I had given up looking for.

Several more minutes passed as a list of ultimatums were given and received. More and more and more questions were asked and answered and asked again. Details I swore I would take to my grave were flowing freely out of my mouth in eager answer to every concern. All the while we both continued to weep in the agony of the moment.

Somewhere in the midst of our first honest exchange in years, I had a realization. It was quite simple actually. An impression settled in. It was subtle and yet so overwhelmingly powerful. My reason for weeping shifted from my guilt and shame as I began to understand what had just taken place. Suddenly, all of the lies, the sins, the hurt, the deception...It would all come out. I would no longer be buried by the sins. The Atonement was now closer than ever before. I would finally have the opportunity to use it.

For the first time in a long time, I felt a clear sense of freedom from the chains of deceit. I knew that I no longer had to take these sins with me to my grave. I knew for the first time in my life, that I might just have the opportunity to stand before my Savior without hanging my head in shame.

Please forgive me again for my dramatic description of all of this… but its impossible to get you into the place my head was in without being a bit dramatic. I have considered it many times over the last year…. how best to describe my state of mind from the moments before my confession to the minutes after… and though this is definitely on the dramatic side, I think the following analogy is as close as I can get.

I was a dead man. I had committed the most grievous offence against both my God and my wife. This sin is only second to that of murder. Forgiveness is obtainable but only with confession. Well, I had already convinced myself that confession would never happen. It couldn’t. It would be too painful and unforgivable, too embarrassing, too difficult, and far too public. I would take my sins to my grave and reap the consequences, and so I was a dead man. Near the end, my addiction was beginning to spiral out of control. I had no bearing as to which way was north and I was tired of trying to correct course. Imprisoned in my bondage, I simply waited, secretly, for my sentance to be carried out. And just as a man sits on death row, waiting to die, I had lost all hope. And then, at the end of the long walk to the chamber, as I was about to step into the room for my sentence to be completed, the phone rang. And the governor's voice could be heard saying, “He has been granted a stay.”

This confession and recovery period was something I wanted with all of my heart but never expected to obtain. And now, finally, It could be real. Later that day, we visited with the stake president and the bishop. Within 2 weeks I had been released from my calling and a week after that, my council was held and I was excommunicated for my deeds.

Those 3 weeks were some of the most wonderful weeks of my life. I was a new man. I had shed off of myself the weight and was anxious to use the atonement. Of course the repercussions of my actions were also some of the most difficult challenges. Victoria and I have been to counseling, we attended weekly addiction recovery meetings, and have worked, and talked, and cried through some of the most painful moments of this over and over again.

This last year has been one of intensely facing every challenge head on. This tactic is not one that most utilize when trying to recover from something so hurtful and heartbreaking. But our approach has been inspired for us. Every question we take head on. Every experience we walk directly into. We have learned that our marriage is a symbiotic relationship. One alone can't do it. Only complete honesty no matter how brutal and painful it is will do.

The adversary loves our lies and secrets. If you want to remove satan from your life, the easiest way to do it is to reveal all of your secrets. He has no power or influence over you if you have nothing to hide. But secrets are the devils playground. When we are withholding something, especially from someone we love, we give the devil a way in. The adversary has a way of making us feel that our secrets should never ever be divulged...that the most horrible consequences will be had if you ever share that little secret. But secrets grow and before we know it we are covering one with another and no explanation will suffice. The devil can grab hold of those secrets as if they are handlebars on a bike and force us to turn in any direction he chooses. When we keep secrets, we give up control.. not entirely, but the chains of dishonesty are the heaviest to wear, even though they are often the easiest to shed.

I have learned about the adversary. I am learning his tools and techniques to lull us into carnal security. In learning them, I have been able to see them coming and divert my attention to safer paths. I have discovered what the process of true repentance looks like. Its so much more than a brief confession to the Lord. In reality, it often feels like physical battle or a proving ground. And it takes time to be proven. It is a long drag across the gravel… picking rocks out of scrapes and enduring the pain.

The refiners fire has a new understanding for us. My poor sweet wife never expected to have to walk through this fire. My choices placed her in the middle of it. But thank God we are walking through it together.

When I was first excommunicated, I had an odd combination of feelings. It was gratitude for the opportunity to finally and truthfully utilize the gospel as intended…. but I also felt a heavy sense of shame and embarrassment. Embarrassment that I had been released from such a prominent calling without explanation. I knew that people would begin to talk. And they did. At times it was frustrating to hear the rumors about me coming back to our ears. we wanted to believe that we were above such pettiness, but we are human, and the emotions and betrayal seemed to seep in all over again.

The hardest thing was to simply acknowledge that I was broken. I didn't like the idea of being broken. I had always appeared to be so intact. I had things together, as far as anyone knew. But part of repentance is humility and I began to not only accept that I am broken, but to come to love that I am broken.

Its a hard lesson to learn, but it’s quite obvious when you look at the big picture. We are all broken. Yes, to different degrees for sure but broken nonetheless. We have to be. It is an eternal principle. God did not send us here to be perfect. If He had, we would all be living satan’s plan right now. On the contrary, He sent us here to mess up, and sometimes in colossal ways. Why? So we could show Him we would turn to Him in our darkest hours, just like the Savior did in the Garden. This became my mantra over this last year. I am broke and that is exactly how the Savior wants me. He desires my broken heart. He needs my broken pride. When broken things mend… they tend to mend stronger than before.

This year has also been a year of service for us. We immediately began attending an Addiction recovery class. We wanted to attend one that was a specific Pornography/sex addiction class. The church only has a standard “all inclusive” class in town so we began driving an hour north each week to attend a pornography addiction class there. Attending this class was a huge humble pill for me. I was so ready to jump in, but was so out of my element. I was used to running meetings and teaching at meetings, not listening and learning from those around me. But listen and learn I did. This weekly class has become a cherished night of the week for us. Victoria attends a meeting for wives and I attend a meeting for addicts. We would see between 10 and 20 men each week. While humbling at first, I quickly began to identify with and love these good men. They are truly great men who all have a weakness that they want so badly to conquer.

I have attended meetings of every shape and size. I have met with apostles and with youth. I can tell you that I have never been to a more spiritual meeting in the church than this weekly meeting with my brothers. These men are attending freely, out of choice. They come because they have found safety and confidentiality and because they know that those in attendance are going through the same things. There words are raw and real and filled with hope and desire. It is an amazing experience.

The wives meet and discuss their own challenges. They are dealing with concerns, trust, the inevitable feeling of worthlessness and lack of confidence that comes from betrayal. Victoria will tell you the same. She can’t wait to be with those other good sisters each week.

The addiction recovery program is one of the church’s hidden gems. Everybody knows it is happening, but nobody would ever want to be seen going. Well, it is a powerful and healing place to be when fighting to overcome sin. Some day I may share my notes (I have 3 journals worth) but I think that will have to be another letter.

About 4 month into the process, we found ourselves in a position to help another couple that was struggling with similar issues. We began inviting them to the class with us. Not long after we were asked by the bishop to take another couple under our wings and encourage them to attend. Over time we have encouraged several couples to either meet with us in private or to join us at our meetings. At one point we had a total of 6 couples driving up with us from our ward to attend the class. (most were dealing with a pornography addiction not infidelity).

Victoria is my angel. She is the reason I am here today. And so here we are nearly 14 months later. We are stronger, closer, and more connected than ever before. There is hope in our lives and focus on our future. This last year has been nothing short of miraculous. The Atonement of our Savior has become a living tangible source of strength, recovery, and healing. It has been a source of strength for Andrea as well, as she has had to come to terms with who we are now as a family and a couple, and she daily considers our future, especially as we work to rebuild trust. It will be a long road. I have shattered that perfect mirror and sometimes we are doing good, just to see any reflection in it all. But, with time, it seems to be more and more usable. It will take time and we are committed to each other and to the time it takes.

We have completely turned our lives over to the Lord in a way that we hope will both strengthen us and allow us to help strengthen others. This is not the way we wanted to get where we are, but we have realized that through the trials over the last couple of years, that it’s not how you get there, only that you get there.

The most important lesson here is this….. it is never too late. You are never too far gone. I know I have a lot of battle left to fight. My sobriety has been a powerful reminder to me that with God, nothing is impossible.

For me, excommunication was a gift. It was the only course that would have put me in a position to flush it all out and return anew. I will be forever grateful for the decision of the council to take away my membership. There is a blessing in losing everything… it forces you to consider life without the things you cherish most.

With my baptism completed, I am now able to again have the gift of the holy ghost. Oh how I wish I hadn't ignored and taken it for granted. I have a chance now to prove my worthiness of his companionship and to keep it close at all times.

I want you to know that I don't feel as if I am “Fixed.” Addiction does not disappear overnight or over a year. Contrary to what people say though, I don't believe the statement “Once an addict always an addict.” I believe that the gospel offers healing. But I also know that I am gaining the strength required to push off the adversary. And I am happy to say, so far, I am winning. The good news is, I know for certainty that the Atonement is in place for me now. Should I slip... should I trip… I am not afraid to confess. I am not ashamed to be broken.

Having said that, after having the opportunity to share our story with a few locally, and seeing the way it has benefited them, we feel a calling of sorts to share our successes and failures with others who are struggling. We will wait for the Lord to direct us in that effort, but our desire to help others has to some extent overshadowed the fears of sharing something so personal. Victoria feels strongly that this letter can be a source of strength to others who may be walking this difficult path alone. So with that in mind we want you to, at your discretion, feel free to share this with those that you think may benefit from it and please, not just as a form of gossip. Men who struggle with addiction, and wives, who battle the aftermath, need to know that there are success stories out there. An addiction that escalates, does not have to mean the end of an eternal companionship. My wife is the perfect example of forgiveness, love and support. She is hurting still, and she struggles still, but she and I are both dedicated to our success.

We understand that this letter is going to come as a shock and perhaps a disappointment to you, my family. The reason for waiting the year to tell you about our struggles was for me, to first prove to myself, my father in heaven, and my wife that I could win the first year and regain my membership. Now, when we do see each other face to face again, please don’t treat us any differently. We are happy, healthy and proud of what we have accomplished this year (with the Lord’s help). We are the same people...just better.

I apologize for the length of this letter. But I wanted to be thorough. I want to end with this: If you, or your children feel inspired in any way by this letter, then I urge you to act. Act now. Do not delay repentance. Fear and Pride are the tools the adversary uses to keep us from doing what must be done. Put it out there now. Don't waste any more years of your life feeling defeated or trapped. You may be in the midst of a free fall that seems endless and out of control… but I promise you.. God has his arms out and he is ready to catch you the very second you reach for him.

I love you all. Please know I am not afraid to talk about this with any of you. Actually the opposite. If you want to know something, please call me or email me. I would prefer you get the story from my mouth then second hand.

Lastly, while we are doing great right now, please.. keep us in your prayers. We are still battling demons on all fronts.