Several weeks ago, my wife presented me with a document containing 35 questions. She simply said, " I was wondering if you could help me with these questions that I have?" Since then, we have worked through many of those questions together. As we talked, I began to realize that our marriage is very unique (post confession) in the way we freely discuss everything. Maybe that is just the way we have chosen to deal with things or maybe all husbands and wives talk about everything all the time. As I have talked with other addicts though, I have come to suspect that we are kind of the exception, rather than the rule.
My wife has told me that our free flow of communication and honesty is a key step in helping her heal. She has admitted that most women need answers. Women have a difficult time just saying, "Okay, you were bad… never do it again," and then simply moving on. On the contrary. Most women want to ask more and more and more questions as they try to understand the disease, to confirm that it is in fact a disease and not just his philandering personality, or to seek some sort of comfort through understanding the mind of an addict. Wives need to know why he would make certain choices, why he didn't stop, why he let it escalate, or where she fit into his mind when he was doing these things.
I have a hunch that some marriages (post confession) are not as open as ours. We are certainly not a perfect example of a whole and healed marriage by any means. We have a long way to go to be fully whole. Furthermore, we are not special because of our communication process. But for me…. I finally realized that I could open up and share everything, answer every question, offer every insight, or… I could lose my wife, my family and everything else that was important to me. And so, with nothing left, I have chosen to bear my entire soul and with that comes a free flow of questions and answers.
In most cases, the aftermath of an affair, or the discovery of a pornography addiction is so devastating that it is difficult to speak to each other at all, let alone seek answers.The fear of the sinner to be reminded of his actions through a spouse's questions is very real and often so close to the surface that its hard to approach.
My wife and I would like to see if we can use our openness to your benefit. So, I am going to attempt to publicly answer many of her questions from the point of view of an addict. I will share where my mind went, what my triggers were, how I felt as things escalated, where she fit into my life during those years, what has worked to break the pattern, and more. I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to answer any questions you would like to ask of your spouse if you could. Perhaps my experience will give your wives insight into what your spouse was thinking, feeling or doing.
When I first decided to start answering these questions publicly, I knew I needed to come up with a unique name for my blog. I thought of many names that seemed dry and drab and that really didn't fit my personality. So, after several minutes of contemplation (at least 2), I have come up with this….
"Dear Addi"
-Honest answers from a recovering addict of pornography and sex
My wife has told me that our free flow of communication and honesty is a key step in helping her heal. She has admitted that most women need answers. Women have a difficult time just saying, "Okay, you were bad… never do it again," and then simply moving on. On the contrary. Most women want to ask more and more and more questions as they try to understand the disease, to confirm that it is in fact a disease and not just his philandering personality, or to seek some sort of comfort through understanding the mind of an addict. Wives need to know why he would make certain choices, why he didn't stop, why he let it escalate, or where she fit into his mind when he was doing these things.
I have a hunch that some marriages (post confession) are not as open as ours. We are certainly not a perfect example of a whole and healed marriage by any means. We have a long way to go to be fully whole. Furthermore, we are not special because of our communication process. But for me…. I finally realized that I could open up and share everything, answer every question, offer every insight, or… I could lose my wife, my family and everything else that was important to me. And so, with nothing left, I have chosen to bear my entire soul and with that comes a free flow of questions and answers.
In most cases, the aftermath of an affair, or the discovery of a pornography addiction is so devastating that it is difficult to speak to each other at all, let alone seek answers.The fear of the sinner to be reminded of his actions through a spouse's questions is very real and often so close to the surface that its hard to approach.
My wife and I would like to see if we can use our openness to your benefit. So, I am going to attempt to publicly answer many of her questions from the point of view of an addict. I will share where my mind went, what my triggers were, how I felt as things escalated, where she fit into my life during those years, what has worked to break the pattern, and more. I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to answer any questions you would like to ask of your spouse if you could. Perhaps my experience will give your wives insight into what your spouse was thinking, feeling or doing.
When I first decided to start answering these questions publicly, I knew I needed to come up with a unique name for my blog. I thought of many names that seemed dry and drab and that really didn't fit my personality. So, after several minutes of contemplation (at least 2), I have come up with this….
"Dear Addi"
-Honest answers from a recovering addict of pornography and sex
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