Dear “Addi” I am about to be Excommunicated and I'm scared! (Part 1)

Dear “Addi”,

In the next few weeks, my Stake will be holding my disciplinary council. My Stake President has already told me that I will most likely be excommunicated. How do I prepare to face the council? If I am repentant, is Excommunication necessary? Im willing to change, I'm ready to change, Why isn't being disfellowshipped enough? I'm nervous for this council. What is going to happen when I get there? How will my life change after being excommunicated? How will I have the strength to withstand the temptations of addiction if I no longer have the gift of the Holy Ghost?

Signed,

Scared but willing

Dear Brother,

Oh how I know these questions and feelings. I have reflected on and prayed about each of your questions many, many, many times. I think the easiest approach is to take them in order.

How do I prepare for my disciplinary council?

I'm not sure there is a way to prepare. It is going to be what it is going to be. And honestly, that is OK. It needs to be honest, humble, and completely real.  The hard truth is that you nor I would have need for a council at all had it not been for a series of bad choices. The true culprits in our lives are both Pride and Fear.

Pride drives us to think of ourselves and our own desires. It fills us with a false sense of confidence and a mistaken feeling of being invulnerable. It launches us head-first into lies and deceit. It feeds us with irrational and unfathomable impulses, all of which led us to making decisions that ultimately brought betrayal to the ones we love and led us to the breaking of sacred covenants. Pride tells us that we don't need a council and can handle this process on our own.

Fear is what Satan has used to keep us Idle and in check for so many years. He has spent countless hours and days telling us that if we follow our true Godly desire to escape this mess and confess, that our lives will fall apart. He has convinced us that we will lose our wives, our children, our homes, our friends, and even our membership. He has frightened us with the thought that we will end up sitting at the end of that large council table, staring at our peers as they decide our fate. Yes, fear keeps us in check by filling our minds with all we might lose and replaces it with a compromise… the loss of our souls. Fear tells us that a council will be scary and horrible and that we should run from it at all costs.

Walking into that council is scary. It was is one of the scariest things I have ever had to do but, this was a true rebirth for me. This was my opportunity to completely come clean and escape the snare and darkness of the adversary. So, I decided it was time to face my fear head on.

My Advice…. Be sincere, Be humble, Be Forthright and Be complete.

Your Humility and Sincerity are obvious signs that you are now ready to turn your life over to the Lord. Don't make excuses for your actions. Nobody in that room or out of it is responsible for your sins but you. Humbly accept your choices with a willingness to change. Humbly accept the council's decision as well. It will be bitter to actually hear those words leave the stake president's lips but it will be a blessing and a restart the likes of which you can get no other way.

Being forthright offers a willingness to answer questions directly without hesitation. Don't assume that you are entering a room filled with people that are trying to trip you up or catch you in a lie. It is exactly the opposite. You are not entering enemy's territory but instead, coming home to friends and family who want nothing more than to see you heal and whole. No one in that room is a stranger to sin. Truthfully, most of the men in that council will be in awe at your humility and willingness to go through such a difficult process.

Be complete. Don't set yourself up for failure by only sharing what you consider are the “Worst Offenses." Don't think that simply because you have confessed your darkest sins that the rest of them are automatically covered. The last thing you want is to have to return over and over to your Bishop or Stake President with new details to divulge. My council was about a month after my confession. In that month the onion layers began to unravel more and more. I was slowly able to open up and confess all of the issues in my past, dating back to when I was a child. This was a blessing for me. That month gave me time to realize that no stone should be left un-turned. And, since I assumed my fate would be excommunication, I might as well get it all out and have complete cleansing. And so that is what I did.

Remember, you are loved by the men in that room. They are your friends. I promise you there will be both tears and hugs as that council concludes.

Dear “Addi” I am about to be Excommunicated and I'm scared! (Part 2)

Excommunication part 2: "If I am repentant, is Excommunication necessary? I'm willing to change, I'm ready to change, so why isn't being disfellowshipped enough?"

First, I want to dispel a rumor about excommunication. As far as I know, there is no list of things a person might do that will trigger an automatic excommunication. There certainly are things that make it more likely, however there are always many factors that go into a council's decision including how repentant the individual is and what evidences he can provide that he has changed and turned his life away from sin. We have to remember that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not about punishment. It is about compassion. The goal of every council is to help the member draw closer to their heavenly Father and take advantage of the atonement of Christ. The men in those councils carry a heavy responsibility as they administer the justice and mercy of the kingdom.

The church seems to have changed its stance in recent years on why and when an excommunication is favored over being disfellowshipped.  As a former Bishop I witnessed this change first hand and felt a real tenderness in this shift. But, to our great sadness, many of our excommunicated brothers and sisters simply never return to activity. Their reasons for inactivity may result from embarrassment, humiliation, loss of testimony, the struggle to recover from addiction and sin or any number of things. It’s my opinion that the church might have felt that they were doing some of these good saints a disservice by cutting them off from membership altogether. When they become excommunicated, their connection to the church may have felt severed and in that loss of connection came a lack of motivation and an increase of temptation from the adversary.

On the other side, those who are disfellowshipped maintain their membership. They have a lifeline of hope and a connection to support. They keep the gift of the holy ghost and are able to rely on his assistance when they are worthy of his influence during this difficult journey. I have no data to back up my assumptions but I would guess that there is a much higher level of retention with fewer excommunications.

That is not to say there aren't cases in which excommunication is necessary. Obviously there are. I am evidence of that. One could spend hours contemplating why this case ended in excommunication and that one ended in disfellowshipment. But, this is both a fruitless and useless waste of time. The reasons are so varied that trying to dissect them is foolishness. Each council is taken case by case and done completely in connection with the spirit. It comes by way of a great deal of discussion and prayer, weighing what is best for the individual.

My case was one such case. I lived with a pornography addiction most of my life. I lied to cover it up not just once but hundreds of times. I accepted assignments that I was not worthy of. And I ultimately committed adultery and broke the covenants I had made to my wife and my Father in Heaven. I believe my council could have gone either way if those were the only facts. But my good stake president and his counselors knew that this had been a plague in my life for more than a few months or years. They knew that I did not simply wake up one morning and trip into an affair. They understood that its root was a dark and corrosive addiction that had plagued me for most of my existence on this earth. And so after over an hour of private prayer in the stake president's office, they emerged with the decision of excommunication. I could not have been more grateful to hear those words. I almost think that it would have been a disappointed to have been disfellowshipped.

If I were to ask my stake president to share with me the process of the council, I imagine he would say something like this.

1. I met with the High council prior to your arrival and shared with them the very basics of your transgression.

2. You were invited to join us and I asked you to share in your own words what had happened, how you felt you got here, and where would you like to see your life moving forward.

3. I allowed the High Council to ask you questions, to which you answered honestly.

4. Two of the brethren were given the responsibility to restate your words to make sure that we all understood properly and that there were no misunderstandings.

5. We dismissed you and then spent 20 minutes discussing their thoughts, concerns, and love for you.

6. The stake presidency dismissed ourselves into the Office and spent the next hour in discussion and prayer. We went back to the Lord several times seeking his guidance.

7. After feeling confirmation of our decision we returned to the council and shared with them our decision and asked for a sustaining vote.

8. We invited you back into the room and shared with you the decision of the council.

This is the process. This is how a council works.

At the end of my council I was invited back into the room.  As I sat at the end of that large intimidating conference table next to my Bishop, who had come to be my advocate and support, I looked around and realized I was in a room full of friends. The decision of the council was announced and I was given a series of instructions to live by over the next year or more. We concluded with prayer.  I stood to exit the room… and was swamped by brethren who came to embrace me with tear filled eyes and whispering words of love and compassion. This was going to be a rebirth.

In a post council visit I asked my stake president, what was the deciding factor? He said, (I am paraphrasing his words) “We really struggled. We really truly wanted to err on the side of compassion and if possible only have to disfellowship you but we just didn't feel comfortable with that decision. So we went back to the Lord over and over trying to understand the conflict we felt. Then the first counselor offered an insight that helped us understand why the Lord needed excommunication for you. He Said, "Do you remember the story of Joseph Smith's leg when he was a boy? It was riddled with infection. The Dr. recommended a course of medicine at first but he could not guarantee that the infection would be completely eradicated and there was a chance it would flare up again. Then he said that there was a treatment that he could offer. It required opening up his leg and cutting out all of the disease. It needed to be rooted out completely in order to allow the leg the best opportunity to heal. Well, Brother Arnold is just like that diseased leg. We can't just treat his disease with an ointment. The infection has run far too deep and for too long for that. He needs to have the disease completely cut out. Excommunication, in this case, is his best chance to heal.”

With that, they had received both their understanding and their decision. And they were right. Excommunication was the right decision for me. Here's why:

1. I had filled my life with so many toxins over the years I began to believe there would be no way for me to recover. I felt my soul was lost. My eternity was taken from me. Excommunication represented a way to change that mind set. Only a complete loss of everything would help me to see an open door that was waiting for me off in the distance. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to walk through that door completely and totally worthy to do so.

2. Baptism is a physical representation of the spiritual rebirth I have been experiencing. So deep is the corrosion of one who has let themselves degenerate from pornography to lust to adultery, that although the process of repentance can cleanse me from my sins, I also needed this physical act to show to my wife, my leaders, my Savior and myself that I am truly willing to take upon me the name of Jesus Christ and to stand as a witness of Him and His Atonement.

Excommunication is not a punishment but a blessing. Those who see it for what it is know that it is not exile but instead, the death of a broken, sin filled life that can be used, if we choose, as an opportunity to truly be Born again.

Dear “Addi” I am about to be Excommunicated and I'm scared! (Part 3)

Excommunication part 3:  "How will my life change after being excommunicated? How will I have the strength to withstand the temptations of addiction if I no longer have the gift of the holy ghost with me?"

Yes… your life is going to change.  I'm not going to sugar coat this and tell you how wonderful excommunication is. It's not wonderful, fun, or something I would ever tell someone to seek after.

I'm going to break this blog into 2 parts……1, things lost and 2,things gained.

Things I've Lost from excommunication:

- My temple blessings and my sealing to my Wife and kids

- The Gift of the Holy Ghost

- The automatic trust of my wife

- My membership.

- My temple recommend

- My temple clothing

- My right to pay tithing

- My Ability to hold a calling

- The Sacrament

- The Priesthood authority

- The priesthood in my home

- The ability to give my children blessings

- The ability to baptize my soon to be 8 year old next year.

- My name on the records of the church (even the phone list)

- My LDS.org account access

- The opportunity to volunteer to help at camps or projects without permission.

- Public Prayer at a church meeting

- The opportunity to bear my testimony in church

- The opportunity to teach a class or substitute.

- The respect of some of my ward family and peers.

- The ability to attend any stake function without feeling a thousand eyes

- The Moral authority to promise success or blessings when living the gospel

- The comfort that comes from knowing that if someone calls on you to pray.. you don't have to say I'm sorry… could I please pass today?

- The innocence of a 10 year old daughter who just can't understand why Daddy doesn't take the sacrament like everyone else.

-The Comfort of having a casual conversation and knowing you won't have to explain when someone asks you what your current calling is.

- Anonymity and privacy as the rumor mill speculates about your release and what kind of things you must have done that made it necessary.

- The safety of not having to dodge questions at family reunions about why you were released and what the church has you doing now.

- The once less than awkward run ins from the men who were at my council.

- The opportunity to speak at the funeral of someone I use to home teach.

Things I've Gained

- An Intimate knowledge of the Atonement

- A much richer closer relationship with my Father in heaven

- A clear, clean conscience

- A more loving and personal relationship with my wife

- A future that is not filled with uncertainties

- The knowledge of my Savior and his love for me

- A true lifting of the burdens that have weighed me down

- A change of heart

- A stronger desire to avoid temptation

- A full recollection of All my guilt

- The desire to faithfully and righteously serve in a calling

- A desire to have my sins washed away

- Empathy for other as they struggle

- A desire to help and share my story with any who find strength from it

- Instant reaction to fall to my knees when temptation or struggles cross my path

- A constant desire and willingness to do anything to regain my wife's full trust

- Excitement to be asked to do even the smallest thing in the church
-The Pornography 12 step program which has been my lifesaver
-The knowledge that I am not the only one who struggles with addiction. I am not alone.

- A vision of what my Father in Heaven has in store for me.

- Escape from the dark hole that has held me bound for so many wasted years of my life.

- An actual understanding that the Savior can absolutely lift, change and direct me when I let Him.

- The ability to feel the spirit in ways I have never felt before.

- A deeper respect for even the most humble callings in the church.

- The hope of one day entering the temple, fully worthy to be there and to partake of the blessings within

- the knowledge that my eternity is not lost.

- A full remission of my sins.
-I no longer feel guilty about serving in callings unworthily.

- The confession of addictions by loved ones that found courage to come forward through my example.

- A deep love for my priesthood leaders, family, and friends as they have rallied to support me.

- A new way of reading the scriptures filled with insights that I had never seen before.

- A testimony of the Rescuer of all mankind and his desire to save me once and for all.

Do I like being excommunicated? No. I wish with all my heart that I had never journeyed down this path. I never wanted this and I would give anything to change the pain I have caused so many, especially my wife. But, I'm here now. I can't change what has been done and I can't change the outcome. What I can do is not waste this opportunity.

I have made it my goal to gain every insight, learn every lesson, and practice every ounce of obedience that I can. I will not fail my wife nor my Savior again. I have had some of the most powerful spiritual experiences during this time. I feel closer to my wife and children then ever before and we truly have a stronger, more focused marriage.

Now, I want to be careful not to oversell this. This has been the hardest, most humbling, and most overwhelming year of my life. If there were any other way for me to learn these lessons, I would welcome it without hesitation. I wish I had chosen to learn wisdom in my youth. I wish had followed the examples of those who had gone before. I wish I had  listened to the stories of those who have made mistakes (including my own father) and not traveled this path myself.

But I am here. I wear my scarlet letter but… I have chosen not to let it define me.

For those who are willing to finally put their lives in order and truly live the gospel, then Excommunication may be necessary.

Excommunication will most likely be a year. And when you think about it,  a year is such a short period of time. The brethren will also have to wait at least one more year in order to have their priesthood and temple blessings restored.

Again.. Its only a year. If you are anything like me, then you have already wasted years and years of your life sitting in the mire, soaking up the filth. For 25 years of my life I have gorged on the filth of pornography. For 25 years I have played the game of “will I win the battle today?" For 25 Years I have professed to be a disciple of Christ only to privately respond to Satan's call and again lap up his vomit. It has been a 25 year waste of time. If the Lord requires me to give up 2 and a half years of my life to prove to him that I have turned away from sin and turned my life over to him, then I don't see that as a sacrifice any more than I do paying tithing. It is a tithe after all. All He is asking is for me to give him back 10% of what I have wasted... 2 and a half years for the 25 I have spent foolishly.

How do I live without the Holy Ghost?

It is true that when one is excommunicated, they lose the gift of the Holy Ghost. Some might ask, “How will I have the influence of the spirit if I have lost this precious gift?”.  In order to understand this we need to break down the mechanics of the way the spirit works.

One who has received the gift of the holy ghost after baptism, can have its influence with them throughout their life…… so far as they are worthy of it.

Well, when was the last time you or I felt worthy of the companionship of the spirit.? The truth is, we have not been worthy of it for a very long time. I lived with a dark cloud over my head every day of my life. Sure, there were moments of sunshine when I tried hard, but mostly I just watched the clouds waiting for it to rain.

The gift of the holy ghost gives baptized members of the church the blessing of the spirit with them Always. But what about Non- members? Are they just written off in the department of spiritual affairs? Of course not. If that were true we would see very little growth or progress from our missionary efforts.

They of course have the opportunity to feel the spirit when they ask for it and when the Lord feels they are worthy to receive it. They don't yet have the blessing of having it with them always, but they do get to feel its presence when He desires and when they are receptive to feel it.

I, essentially, am a non member. I do not have the gift of the Holy Ghost. But I can testify to you that I feel the spirit stronger in my life now, than I have for many years. Why? Because, I have finally repented. I have finally exposed my wounds to the air where they can heal. I have willingly turned my life over to my Savior. I have decided to place my future in His hands and accept the consequences for my actions.

Now, when I plead for the spirit to accompany me… I feel it. When I beg for a shield of protection against the adversary, I sense its presence immediately. My Father in heaven is aware of me and my efforts and for that… this non-member is being blessed with the spirit.

Once we free ourselves from the shackles of sin, we not only open ourselves up to the presence of the spirit in our lives, but we open the door to redemption. I'm reminded of the old painting with the savior standing at the door without the door knob. He is knocking and knocking… in my case he has been knocking for years and years. Of course, with the only door knob on my side of the door, what could He do but wait? And He did wait. Thank goodness He is patient. But, He would have kept waiting for years, decades, even eons if that is how long it took me to finally grab hold of the knob and turn. The spirit has now found my open door…. and He freely comes to lead me. I'm not wasting another second. What about you?

Dear "Addi" - How do addicts live a double life? Do they not have a conscience?

Question:


My husband was eagerly serving in the Bishopric, preaching from the pulpit, taking the sacrament, encouraging us to go to the temple to support other members, etc, etc. And yet, he was lying for over a decade, getting progressively worse and worse. I still can't wrap my mind around how he lived a double life. How could he not have a conscience about lying to God? I still don't feel like he has been completely honest about the past and yet, like always, he is adamant he has been forgiven and repented (and, like always, more of the truth is dragged out and he has been lying/hiding and it's worse than before). I just don't understand it.

"Addi's" Thoughts:

#1

You have no idea how many times I have thought about this question. I have asked myself this question over and over again, and not just since being in recovery. For years prior to my sobriety, in my self loathing and shame, I would daily ask myself, "Why are you doing this? You know the gospel is true, you know repentance is needed so why then do you carry on in sin?" I began to hate myself for my weakness and inability to get control.

One of the many things I use to teach young people as a Bishop, especially when it came to matters of immorality was about the Savior's self control. I would say, "What one thing did the Savior have that we must also have in order to be disciples of Christ?" They would have many responses to the question such as , 'Faith', 'The Priesthood', 'Revelation', or 'Patience'. I would respond by saying "Those are great attributes to have but I believe what makes the Savior special in his obedience is that He was Master of himself and the situations around him".

Now to be honest, I don't know if that is one of the most defining attributes of a disciple of Christ, but In those moments, as I was teaching the youth or others about the principle of self mastery, what I was really doing was preaching to myself. I was constantly reminding myself that it is possible to overcome this. I was daily sharing with others the principles that I wished I could live.

In the past 25 years of my addiction to pornography I have served in, spoken at, or participated in hundreds of positions and callings and assignments...

Here are just a few...

Ward Young Men's President

Executive Secretary

2nd Counselor in the Bishopric

Bishop

Stake Young Men's President

2nd Counselor in the Stake Presidency

I have Been asked to Speak or Participate in...

Multiple Stake Firesides

Regional Youth Conferences

Girls Camps

Encampments

And So Much more...

I participated in...

Temple endowments

Youth Baptisms

Baptism of my children

Blessings

Setting People Apart

Dedicating graves

Performing Marriages

And More...

Please don't misunderstand... I am not in anyway trying to offer a resume of my church service. Quite the contrary. What I am offering you is evidence that sin knows no bounds. In every one of those positions I instilled the virtues of the kingdom of God and cried repentance. I warned of pitfalls and I encouraged confession. I preached of living worthy of our temple covenants and exercising faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ. All the while, I was secretly, privately, living in darkness and sin. I wish I could describe the loneliness and self hate I felt through those years.

Mine was a very private addiction. The escalation was gradual and ongoing for many years. It seemed the deeper I fell into darkness, the greater amount of responsibility I would be given in church callings. What I have learned is that Satan does not play favorites. Prince or pauper, bond or free, big or small, happy or sad, the adversary is an equal opportunity tempter. He wants to destroy us all. He did not care that I was a Bishop. He came after me with the same force as any other of God's children.

#2

The part of this that I have struggled with most is my inability to overcome the sin even in those times of serving in leadership. It was so debilitating that I couldn't seem to shake it. 

In my case, I had lived the last 17 years of our marriage without ever revealing to my wife that I had an addiction. My sweet wife had been deceived. She saw me as the priesthood holder, the leader, the father, the husband, the great neighbor, the missionary, and the friend to so many. She had no clue that I was secretly being pulled deeper and deeper into filthiness.

I had become so proficient at lying that almost everything I said was a cover up. I said and did anything to keep her from knowing the truth. I loved that she saw me as a good man.... even though I knew I was anything but. I would do anything to keep her from knowing that I was actually a horrible and messed up person who was drawn to viewing such depravity.

At one point I thought I was a psychopath. Only a psychopath could be so skilled at living this double life. I must be completely insane and diabolical to speak out of both sides of my mouth so easily. Over time I actually began to realize that I was obviously doing Satan's bidding. I knew that what I was involved with was pure evil. Therefore, since I no longer felt worthy to pray earnestly or seek the Lord's help, I felt that I must be a disciple of Satan.  Wasn't he the one who was helping me to lie so easily. He seemed to be helping me to cover my tracks. He must be supporting me in my habit. He obviously wants me to continue in it... so who else?

This is the twisted mind of an addict. I was so lost in the fog of sin that I was willing to accept assistance to cover up my my habit from any source at all.... even the very Devil himself. I was convinced that I had become 'Un-savable'. I was a lost soul. So... since I could not get control over my addiction, I would simply succumb to it. I would give in and secretly live a double life.

The double life was necessary for I had already decided I could never repent. I was too far gone. I had tried hundreds of times to break free and was unable to conquer it. Part of the problem was that I was 'Bishop Arnold'. I was 'President Arnold'. I was 'Hometeacher Arnold' and 'Temple going, father of five, Brother Arnold.' How could I of all people have such a disgusting and debasing habit? No, I would never confess. It would be too humiliating to ever confess...and could you imagine the scandal within our Stake?  Oh, and I would certainly lose my wife and my kids. They would never be willing to forgive such a horrific thing. So, no confession... Not ever! It would be better that I take this to my grave. There is no redemption for me.

And so goes the twisted, backward logic of an addict. Keep in mind that this logic is not our own. These are the chaotic thoughts instilled into our minds by Satan himself. We so quickly latch on to his lies.

To cover up my habits, I became what I thought was a 'Master Thespian.' I could preform exactly as expected. At Church I was the good leader. At home I was the perfect husband and father. And in my solitude, I was the perfect sinner.

I often convinced myself that perhaps if I served diligently and went out of my way to teach, testify and try to save others, that perhaps I could offset the darkness that I participated in daily, with a bit of light.

#3

My brain is a view master....

In one of the Recovery books I have been reading, it talks about a technique called blocking. They explain that “blocking” can be used to help keep errant thoughts at bay and to control temptations by putting them in a mental box and pushing them out of your mind.  It is my understanding that men do this naturally. We often refer to it as compartmentalizing. We have a singular focus and “Zone out” to everything else. 

Women on the other hand are much better at seeing  the whole picture all at once. As I read about this technique of blocking, something clicked in my mind. I recognized that process instantly because I had been using it my whole life. Not for pushing the evil thoughts away but for putting each area of my life in its own little box. When viewing each compartment by itself, it became my full focus… it became the only thing that mattered at that moment. I could give it my complete selfish attention and not even consider the ramifications that the decisions made in this box will have on the rest of the boxes.

Let me explain it a different way.

Do you remember the old view master toys from the 80’s? (sorry I am a child of the 80’s, did they come out before then?) Imagine you are looking through a view master as the cartridge spins to a slide. Lets call this slide… ‘Home and church Life’. While looking at ‘Home and Church life’ I am able to give it my dedicated focus. I would feel complete and whole there. It was all I could see in the view field and so it was where my full attention went. In my view of home and family, I was honest and worthy and able to do all that was required of me as husband, father, and Priesthood holder. I could, because I did not have my life of porn in view. I knew it was around the corner on another slide in the viewfinder. I knew it existed, but as long as I couldn't see it in this moment, I was able to ignore it and feel clean.

Sadly, when the urges would come and the temptations presented themselves, all it took was a quick pull of the lever.  Now, with only the pornography slide in view, I can look and indulge and even say and do things that I know would be hurtful and harmful to both my wife and my worthiness but since they are not in my view right now, I am blinded to them and the pain I am causing them. They are out of sight and out of mind, thus postponing the guilt until after the feast.  Flip the lever again and now I am staring at work and able to focus and concentrate and be the manager and boss that I am expected to be.

I know it sounds crazy, but this is the best way I can think to explain the way my mind worked. I could feel worthy at times, even when I knew I wasn't. It actually sounds kind of like a sociopath… but it's not.  It is the maddening mind of an addicted person. There is no question I was lying to myself in order to cope.

I don't think I am unique in this device. In fact I think many addicted men and women use this as a way to allow themselves to continue in addiction with less guilt. And here is the most amazing part; with the slide flipped to "Priesthood leader," I somehow felt worthy. I preached and testified of truth and repentance and I meant every word of what I said and even thought I felt the spirit on many occasions as I served.

My Advice:

For me, complete honesty offered me freedom from the adversary. I have this theory that our secrets are Satan's playground. When we keep secrets, they allow him a place to take hold of. Secrets are like Satan's handle bars on the bicycle of life. As long as we have them, he can turn us in what ever direction he wants. When we shed them from our life, we take control of the steering and decide for ourselves which direction to go.

Instead of advice, let me share some of the things my wife has done to help me be open and freely share.

My biggest fear was that as I divulged all of the details of my life of sin, my wife would simply say to me, "Its too much, I can't do this any more." I feared losing her.... more than I feared losing my soul. So I held back on confessing many of my sins. At first I shared the BIG sin and hoped that it was enough. But I knew it wasn't. I knew that If I wanted the Lord's forgiveness and the opportunity to wipe the slate clean, eventually it would all have to come out.

My wonderful wife made honesty easy for me by telling me up front that there is nothing I could tell her that would run her off. She said she would stand by me no matter what I shared. And so slowly, over the course of several months, we peeled back the many layers of the onion together. I have asked my wife if she would have preferred that I simply dump it all on her at the start of the process. She said," At the beginning, I really wanted that. I wanted every detail right then and there. But now, I am so grateful  that you didn't simply drop it all on me. Small confessions along the way were far better than getting it all at once. I'm not sure I could have handled it in a lump. Little by little has helped me to process, consider, and put each revelation away."

One other thing that she did for me that allowed me to be open is that she saw this addiction for what it is..... a disease. She didn't look at me and say... "How could you be so disgusting and deplorable?" Instead, she dove into books, blogs and prayer to understand the disease. This ability to see past the sin and see me as a person recovering from sin has been huge for my recovery.

And lastly, and most importantly, she forgave me. It seems so simple to say but we are all aware how difficult this is to do, especially when your eternal companion has been lying to you for most of your married life. She admits often that she is still deeply hurt by the betrayal and deceit. But her forgiveness did come. Forgiveness does not dissolve the pain. She hurts daily and I hurt watching her hurt. But through her forgiveness, I found Hope for our future. I found strength to confess to my priesthood leaders. Her forgiveness made it possible for me to accept the outcome of my disciplinary council and move forward with hope.

I hope you will share my blog with your husband. Perhaps he will Identify with some of what I have said. If nothing else I hope this gives you a small glimpse into the mind of a sex addict and how a man can live this kind of double life. 

I pray the Lord will bless you and your husband as you work through this trial. May you both find healing in and through his infinite atonement.

Addi

Dear "Addi" - I'm thinking of Leaving My Wife

Question:

Hi Addi, this is not a question but more of seeing myself in your story. The sad part now is I have entertained another relationship outside my marriage. And I gave all my thoughts and energy to it to the extent that I'm playing with the thought of talking with my wife and letting her know of my affair so I can be let go and be with this girl. It's a difficult situation just thinking of it and much more difficult being in it.

Regards,

Addi's Thoughts:

My friend, I have been where you are. I have felt those urges. It's the urge to continue enjoying what I have on the side for it gives me what I want and need without judgment.

Somewhere in the middle of my relationship with Alice (the other woman), I began to believe that maybe I actually had feelings for her. After all, she had professed to love me hadn't she? She had talked about her dreams of a future together. I was always anxious to see her, and It seemed I was spending more and more time with her.She built me up and told me how wonderful I was.  She talked of how she had never met someone like me before. All of that had to add up to something more than just my pornography addiction spilling over into real life.... Right?

Wrong!

At the beginning of this post I said "I felt those urges."  I intentionally used the word 'urges' instead of the word 'feelings'. Let me just say that perspective is everything and let me explain what I meant by that with an experience.

I attend a gym that has both a sauna and a steam room. I never quite understood the purpose of a steam room. But being that I had never been in one before I decided.. hey.. what the heck. I donned my swim trunks, opened the steam room door, and perched myself on the tile bench.

When I entered the room it was actually kind of clear. No steam at all. This was nothing like I had imagined it to be. I could clearly see the opposite wall and it was obvious that I was completely alone. I sat there waiting for a few moments when suddenly a rumbling sound came from under the bench and a giant gush of steam forced its way into the room. Within less than a minute the room was completely filled with steam. 

My initial reaction was..... wow... this feels great!!  The hot steam felt wonderful as it tingled against my skin. The heat filled my lungs as I breathed it in. It was hot at first but I soon began to enjoy the way it relaxed me and made me feel comfortable.

I opened my eyes to survey the room and to my surprise,  there was nothing to survey. The room was so completely full of steam that I could not see 2 inches in front of my nose let alone across to the opposite wall. 

I was uncomfortable with the lack of visibility... but the heat in the room and the pleasure I was enjoying from the steam put me at ease and I let my self soak in the experience without concern or worry. 

After a few minutes I heard the door open. A small amount of steam escaped, but not enough to see who had entered.  Whoever it was simply took a seat on the bench opposite from me. I could see nothing. I could hear them. I knew they were there but, so thick was the fog that my vision was completely blurred.  Whoever they were did not matter.... they were not interfering with my experience. I just continued to enjoy my steam bath unconcerned with anything else around me.

I let the minutes pass and as time went by,  I started to get a little bit uncomfortable.  The steam would refresh about every 5 minutes keeping the room full and warm. The heat which at first was something I loved and wanted suddenly felt too hot.   The hot steam which was refreshing as it filled my lungs, began to feel wet and suffocating. The claustrophobia had almost completely set in and all I wanted was to get out,  to see clearly and to breath again. 

Somewhere in my head I started to challenge myself.  " Don't be such a wimp... you can sit here a little longer, " I told myself.   "5 more minutes... you can stay 5 more minutes!"   I would accept these little challenges and push myself to stay longer and longer.  Each moment I sat there though, I became weaker and weaker, zapped of my strength and unable to move. Eventually I gave up on the challenge and raced for the exit filling my lungs with clean fresh air, escaping the heat, and watching my vision clear as I emerged from the fog of steam.

Now,  I don't know much about your situation  but I am assuming that you also have a pornography addiction.  In my case,  pornography escalated off of the screen in various ways until I eventually found myself in an affair.  I did not start the affair because I was in love with the woman. I started it because I thought it would finally satisfy my cravings. I was seeking to feed my lust.

I began to feel comfortable.  I began to enjoy what I was receiving.  I even went so far as to start buying her presents and to let it feel like I was dating again.   In the moment, it felt good.  It felt like I wanted it to continue and never give it up. I breathed it in and it felt cleansing.   I even felt that I could finally be myself with someone that didn't judge me, who laughed at my jokes and who began to rely on me. 

Through the course of the relationship,  I said things that I thought she wanted to hear.  She said things in return. And even though I knew in my heart this was all a product of my lust, I began to feel what I thought was affection and that I might even have feelings for her.

But again, in my case I was wrong.  It was the warmth and comfort of the steam that lulled me into the deceit. Lust and Love have a way of looking and feeling the same to an addict. We can feel lust and mistake it for Love so easily..... especially in the fog of addiction.

Through the fog, I had a hard time seeing my wife and my children clearly. They were always in front of me... just on the other side of the room.... but the fog was so thick and the room was so comfortable that I began not to care about the repercussions of my choices and to ignore the guilt and shame.  I instead put all my attention into this new and wonderful feeling that was present and warm and relaxing and comforting. 

"And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security....and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell." (2 Nephi 28:21)

I had become comfortable and had allowed myself to become blinded by the fog so as to ignore that which was right in front of me.... my eternal family.  There were moments where the fog cleared enough for me to see what I was doing and who I would be hurting and I would think to myself,  "what are you doing? You need to stop this!"  But then a little voice in my head would say, "no,  its not time to let this go yet.  Stay a little longer."

  Satan is very persuasive.  He suggests little things that seem to make sense while we are in the midst of the fog.  Things like, "You used to love your wife but so much has changed since then, maybe you have just grown apart...?"  Such lies are easily swallowed when we are in the cloud. 

My friend, I believe that you are right in the middle of that steam bath. You are feeling the warmth and the comfort and perceived joy that comes with the excitement of the new thing. But your vision is clouded right now by the fog of lust. Before you make a decision that will alter your lives forever, I would suggest you change your perspective.

Escaping the fog of that steam room was the greatest blessing of my life. I needed perspective. I needed to be able to see clearly before I made a decision that would alter my life and perhaps my eternity.

What started out as enjoyment and pleasure quickly turned into something that was anything but. A relationship built on lust is flawed from the start. In my experience,  Lust will never become love.  Satan wants us to think otherwise.  But love takes work and time and effort while lust comes easy and offers nothing but instant rewards that fade into guilt. Love strengthens over time because we choose to go through the trials that strengthen it. Walking away from those trials doesn't make them go away. What is perceived as a better, easier, more kind and loving direction... is almost always Satan's slight of hand. 

As I put distance between myself and my affair,  it became more and more obvious that I was deeply, deeply in lust. Even now, after 6 months,  I can see more clearly than ever before that I was clearly intoxicated by the drug and cared little about the ramifications. Oh how I wish i had considered the ramifications.

Now though.  free from the cloud.... out of the fog.... I can honestly and truthfully say I love the fresh air that I find myself breathing.  Again,  perspective is everything.  It is often difficult to see things clearly when you are so close to it.

I think it is interesting that in Lehi's dream he talks about the mists of Darkness that covered the people that had fallen in sin. They thought they were on the path to the tree but became blinded by the fog and were lost in the mist.

After 25 Years of addiction and having been hit with every kind of temptation that Satan could throw at me, I am grateful now that my vision has cleared and the fog has lifted. With the lifting of the fog comes clarity.

My Advice: 

Don't make decisions in the fog. 

And if you think you're not in the fog,  oh my friend,  yes you are. Just like me, you are living a secret life. Just like me, you have been lying and deceiving your wife for weeks, months or years. You have convinced yourself that getting her to let you out of the marriage is a solution.  All of these things are evidences that there is nothing but fog in your view. 

It also means that you have slowly cut yourself off from the influence of the spirit. It wasn't until my secret life was exposed that the fog began to lift and the spirit found its way back into my life.

Get some distance from the fog.  Confess to your wife and Bishop. Do it with the intent of trying to make things work. Give it a few months of sincere effort and fill your life with light and get out of the darkness for a while. 

Finally, don't be persuaded by the adversary's biggest lie of all: "You are worthless and un-savable, so what does it matter now?"  He will beat you down with lies of despair but they are lies.  Get past them and know that the Atonement still holds the key to rescue.

Good Luck My brother.